My Heart is Just not in it

It has been a rough two weeks for me.  We got back from China, and I had to deal with lots of stuff at home.  Added on top of that, they found the cyst, and I had it drained, which ate into the time to do other things that were needing attention.

Every year, I plant a garden.  I love it, and I love the fresh home grown veggies I get from it.  This year Hubby and I decided to expand the garden and he built a wonderful wall for it, and I got all of the plants planted this week.  I have also been trying to get my flowers planted under the trees.  I love petunias and we have two big trees in the front that they look great under.  Only last year, weeds grew amid the beautiful flowers.  So this year, I bought landscaping stones to put around the trees, and weed preventing stuff to put there, and mulch on top, so no weeds can grow in the flowers.  I even won some beautiful flowers from all my sweepstaking.  I love planting things and seeing them grow.  This year, I have had a hard time finding the time.  Several things around the house were needing repair and I finally got around to calling a plumber, a new lawn mowing service, our satellite company, and the irrigation company, all to come fix various problems.  I still need to find a company to come fix our garage door.  Our kitchen sink finally doesn't leak, and it was cheaper to fix than I thought it would be.  The new lawn mowing service is great, but after seeing our yard, decided to charge $10 more than the original quote.  Our sprinkler system is back up and running, and it also was cheaper than I thought it would be.  Our TV service though...not so great.  Since we came back from China, our service would cut out on our living room TV.  It was sporadic, but progressively got worse.  I finally called about it, and they sent a technician out.  The guy gave me the creeps, and smelled worse than any smell I have ever smelled before.  I lit a candle and sanitized everything he touched, after he left.  I am not a germophobe, he was just that bad.  He took forever to "fix," the problem, and it seemed like it was fixed when he left.  It is not though.  The receiver is not recognizing the remote.  So they have to come back out and replace the receiver again.  Only they were supposed to call today, and they didn't.  So now I have to call tomorrow, before my doctor appointment.  I am so frustrated by all of this.  Normally I would just deal with it, it would be a hassle, but I would deal...but with being on meds to do a FET, I have NO patience!  I have had several melt downs, as a result of the side effects of the meds.  I feel like crap!

Hubby and I had a talk about what to do on the fertility front, when I was told about the cyst.  I really just wanted to put off a transfer, and give my sanity and my body a break from it all.  Hubby really wanted to do a transfer in May if it was still possible.  At the time it was still up in the air.  I begrudgingly agreed to do the transfer, if it was still a possibility.  So I had the cyst drained, and I went to the doctor appointments, and I have started the meds.  Notice the "I's,"  not "We's."  Hubby has been busy with work and has been unable to go to any of the doctor appointments.  He drove me home the day I had the cyst drained, but other than that, I have been on my own.  I have been dealing with all the house repairs, and I had to get the rest of my work days in before the end of the school year, and trying to get my gardening in...and now dealing with very unexpected side effects to the medications....I just am out of steam.  My heart isn't in to this transfer.  I really just want to not show up for my appointment tomorrow.  I want to stop taking the meds that are making me feel so terrible.  I don't want to have to devote my next 3 weeks to fertility crap.  I want to live my life.  I want to enjoy the spring.  I want to enjoy planting my garden and being out in the beautiful weather.  But with these side effects, I can't enjoy anything.  It just sucks!  I am so tired of my life having to revolve around TTC.  Hubby often tells me that I shouldn't let my life revolve around it.  But that is impossible.  I have quit a job I love, to do this.  I have given up trips, and friends, and so much more, to do this.  It will all be worth it, if this works, but it really doesn't seem like it is going to.  I was ready to start the adoption process years ago.  I have always wanted to adopt, so who cares if we have biological kids first.  I just don't feel like all of the doctor appointments, and injections, and blood work, and medications with crappy side effects, and adding in new treatments.  I would be so excited to try these treatments, if it was a few months from now, after I have had a break, but now, I just don't want to deal with all this.  All that being said, I will go in tomorrow for my doctor appointment.  I will go in for my first ever intralipid treatment, next week.  I will pray my heart out that our embryos survive the thaw.  I will call the acupuncturist tomorrow to make my next appointment.  And I will go in for my transfer.  I will pray my heart out that the changes that we are making this time, will do the trick.  I do think that regardless of the outcome, it is time to start picking out an adoption agency.  We have a few in mind.  We have many of the major decisions made.  Hubby is open to adoption, and we have talked a lot about international or domestic, and choices of agencies.  He and I will need to decide on which route is right for us.  But it is time.  I need a break from infertility, at least for a few months.  During that break, I can focus on starting the process of finding the child that God has intended us to adopt.  I felt the call to adopt, long before I ever met my hubby.  We talked about it while we were dating, and felt that it would be something that we would do at some point.  I do think that we are now at that point.