Tuesday, May 7, 2013

It all Happened so Fast

I had heard rumors that the new shared list would be coming out last night, but I didn't want to get my hopes up that we would be matched.  Then someone from our agency called me yesterday afternoon, to say that we had a good chance to be matched that night, and to see how set we were on our parameters that we set.  She asked if we would look at a referral for a child, if they did not fit what we stated.  I told her that she can always have us look at a file, but I can't guarantee that we will feel comfortable to move forward.  She said that she would keep it close to what we requested, but will go up to 3 years old.  I was a mess the rest of the day, and wasn't expecting a call from her until late last night, if she was able to match us.

When she started to tell me the information about the child, I could tell that he was not close to what we expressed we were comfortable with.  I opened the email anyway, and tried to explain to her that I didn't think Hubby would feel comfortable moving forward, but that I would talk it over with him.  And talk we did...and prayed, and talked some more!  We knew fairly quickly that this child was not ours.  It is hard and sad.  I know that this child will find his family and fairly quickly.  He is adorable, and sounds like he will make a wonderful son, he was just not ours. 

I didn't sleep much last night.  After we had made our decision, I tried to sleep, but I was a mess.  I just wanted to get the phone call over with, having to call our rep from the agency back, to let her know that we had decided to not proceed with the match.  I know it sounds like we didn't put forth much thought into this, but we did.  Hubby and I agreed that when we started the adoption process, we both had to feel confident that we wanted to move forward and neither of us did.  I am okay with stretching ourselves, if a child is somewhat out of the parameters that we had set, but this child was pretty far outside what we felt comfortable with. 

So when I finally did make the call this morning, I was met with snippy and somewhat rude.  I am hoping that this is because our rep was having a bad day herself and not because we returned this child's file.  It made me feel pretty uneasy and concerned about our future with our agency.  I thought about it for a little while, and decided to email a few questions.  I have not heard back from our agency yet, but I am hoping to hear some answers soon. 

So the last 48 hours or so have been rough.  As much as I know that this child was not ours, it doesn't make it easy to return the file.  I pray now for this child, that his family finds him quickly. 

Monday, March 25, 2013

I had a Dream Last Night

The new shared list comes out tomorrow night.  We are LID so we could be matched.  I am trying to not get my hopes up, because I do know that it is unlikely that we will be matched this soon, but there is a chance.  I have to say that I will be shocked if we are, but at the same time I will be disappointed if we are not. 

From what I can figure, our agency seems to match 1-5 children per month, with a slight increase on the months that they have children added to their individual list.  Also, looking at the data that they send out every month, it seems that there are about 11-15 families "ahead" of us.  That doesn't mean that we have to wait until they are all matched before we are.  Actually we will probably be matched before many of them, because we are open to a boy.  The most recent ratio I have heard is that 1 family is open to a boy for every 6 that request a girl.  That means that we are ahead of 1/7 of the people on the list, if a boy comes up.  If that is the case, we can divide the number by 7, and if we take the most number of possible people ahead of us, that means that there are 2-3 families ahead of us on the boy lists.  Next we look at age, which does limit us quite a bit, since we will only be matched with a child under 2.  Then we come to looking at the needs that we are open to, and although we aren't open to severe needs, we are open to quite a few.  So there is a good chance that we are first on a few of the lists, and if a child with that need is added to the list, our agency may be able to lock a file for us.  Since we are open to a boy, and there being fewer people a head of us on the "boy" lists, if we are matched soon, we will likely be matched with a boy.  If it takes a while for us to be matched, we will move further up on the "girl" list, and will have a higher chance of being matched with a girl.  Quite honestly, I really hope that we are long matched, before our turn would have come up on the girl list...as it will be several months (4-12 months,) before we would be matched with a girl.  I would be very happy with either (even though I have started buying things for a boy.)  What I figure is that if we do get a girl, I can donate the boy stuff I have bought, to the orphanage.  :)  I do have a strong feeling that we have a son in our future though!

Last night I had a dream.  It was one of those dreams that felt so real.  I was in China, and the officials were handing me our baby.  It was a boy, and he had cleft lip and palate.  He was actually a child that I have been praying for, for months.  He is a child that is in the care of one of the well known foster homes, and they occasionally post pictures of him.  Several months ago, after reading another blogger's post about choosing an orphan and praying for him/her everyday, I decided to choose this child, and pray.  I pray that this child will find a family, and if it is God's will, that we be his family.  I pray for his current caregivers, and for his birth parents.  I pray that this child feels love, and has all of his needs met.  I also pray, that if it isn't God's will that we are his family, that our child also is loved and well taken care of while he waits for us to find him. 

So anyway, back to the dream.  It was the child that I pray for, that I saw being handed to me, in my dream.  I know that it is probably because I am excited about the list coming out tomorrow night, and since I pray for this child, and know what he looks like, he is the one that showed up in my dream.  But you know how sometimes dreams feel different...this one did.  The dream wasn't long.  I saw the officials getting out of the car with him, and then came into the building that we were in.  I saw him as soon as they came in the room, and then they came towards me and put him in my arms.  That was it.  I woke up...but when I fell back to sleep, and had another dream.  The same child, only older was running around being as cute as can be.  We were at home, and had just came home with our third child.  It was a girl.  She was either biracial or african american.  I could see her as clear as can be too.  Beautiful child!  She was newborn, probably about a week old.  I was sitting on the couch, with her next to me.  We were having people over to meet her, and our other new little one...remember I said THIRD child.  So our first was not more than 3-4 years old, our third was newborn, and our second was a little over a year old.  He was a boy and also Asian.  He was sitting on my lap facing towards me and sleeping.    Both dreams felt so real.  They weren't the crazy dreams that don't make sense.  This actually all makes sense in what I have thought about with our future plans.  I have said to my mom that after we complete this adoption, I may look at agencies that allow you to sign on with both their international program and domestic at the same time.  Some agencies don't like doing that for a lot of reasons, but mostly because they don't want people to be matched with a child, and then back out of the adoption, because of another match.  We wouldn't though...we would just follow through with both.  So my thought was sign on with both programs, and let God show the way.  By doing this, we could end up with one child at a time, or two coming home at close to the same time.  Either way if fine with us.  But that is why this dream made so much sense. 

After both dreams, when I woke up, I was a bit sad.  I felt like I had spent time with my children, and now I have to wait a while, before I will see them again.  I know that sounds crazy to some, but these dreams were similar to the ones that I have where my dad "comes to visit."  My dad passed away several years ago, but I have dreams sometimes.  We talk and just hang out in these dreams.  I love the dreams, because it helps me to still feel very connected to my dad.  I miss him a lot, and wouldn't trade having the dreams for anything, even though I am a bit sad when I wake up from them.  It is worth it to spend that time with him.  I felt the same way this morning when I woke up.  I felt like my children came to visit.  What makes me happy, is knowing that I am working on "finding" them, and soon enough my house will be filled with them!  :)

Tuesday, March 12, 2013


I found out recently that two children that I used to know (who are now adults,)  are both in prison.  They are siblings and had a really rough start to life.  They were abused and neglected until they were finally taken away.  They were then placed in foster care and shuffled around for a while, before they finally found a family to adopt them.  That is supposed to be the happy ending, and a fresh start.  Instead their adoptive mother should have never been approved to foster, and definitely should not have been able to adopt them.  If front of other people she was never loving or affectionate to her new children, but she also gave no indication that she was not giving them the care that they needed and deserved.  The older of the two had a hard time with attachment, but was able to, and had a pretty strong bond with me.  They were both always small, and skinny children, but seemed healthy.

After a while, the younger child finally told about the hell that they were living at home!  She was starving to death, suffering from extreme neglect.  They were then taken away from the second home that was supposed to love them forever, and shuffled around the foster care system for several more years.  Life was rough for the two of them.  When they were put back in foster care, they were now separated.  A family could not be found that was willing to take both of them.  The only family that had been consistent, the only family that they had left, and the only other person that they had loved their whole lives had been taken away.  They not only were put in separate homes, but also were not given visitation, but once in a long while.  So with only seeing each other once every few months, and not having any one else to count on...and being shuffled around from home to home their problems only got worse.

The older of the two was extremely smart, and if given the chance, could really do great things.  The younger was going to have a rougher time of things.  With having additional needs besides not having consistency in home life, just didn't have a chance, without a loving family.  Now they didn't even have each other.  So they both struggled through their lives in foster care...now alone in the world...no family to guide them, no help, and having only learned about the horrors of the world.

A few more years pass, and the older finally graduates from high school, and goes on to learn a trade.  The younger, only a short time behind, also graduates, but with many struggles.  In many cases, children who age out of the foster care system, basically are turned out at 18-21 with little belongings, and little money...and really no place to go.  These two, having only seen each other a few times over the last few years, really didn't know where each other were, and really at this point were just struggling to survive.  They didn't have the means to search for each other, and were just trying to keep their own heads above water.

So with little guidance, no money, and really nothing to build on...what were they to do.  They never were taught right from wrong, and actually, they had been treated so poorly in life, that how are they to know what was right.  If they went based on how they had been treated, and what others had done to them...well really that is what they learned...and survival was their game.

Now both adults, living alone...one homeless the other with a job and a place to live, struggling, but surviving, time passes.  They both are doing okay, now in their early twenties, and their rough childhood catches up with them.  Within two months of each other they are both arrested for similar crimes.  These crimes were somewhat violent in nature, one significantly more violent than the other, but both major crimes.  I found out about both of these crimes by watching the news, and it was sad.

The younger was arrested first, and although sad, I thought that maybe prison would provide consistency, food and housing, things that had not been provided adequately throughout childhood.  Then a short time later I saw the news about the older one, and I was saddened that much more.  Such intelligence and at one point a kind heart, but never given a chance.

We failed these two.  We let these two kids be tortured their entire childhood, don't teach them right from wrong, no consistency, no love, no connections.  We toss them around like they don't matter, and then we are shocked when we watch the news and see horrible crimes.  I am not saying this is the case in all crimes, but in seeing where these two ended up, I understand.  Don't get me wrong, their crimes were horrific, and my heart goes out to the families that were affected.  I just ask what else did we expect from these two.  Did we really expect them to grow up to be outstanding, law abiding citizens?  How could we expect that from them, when we didn't treat them like the outstanding children that they were?  It breaks my heart that these two still don't have a chance.  Even if they serve their time, and get out, they still don't have a chance.  They will simply be turned out, like they were at 18, with few belongings, and little pocket change...but now with a criminal record, making it that much harder to make a life for themselves.

I understand how these two ended up here, and quite frankly, I understand why they committed the crimes that they did.  I also understand why people are still able to love a person who has committed a crime.  I wasn't close enough to this family to "love" these children, but I did care, and I still do.  I worry about their future, and if they will be able to make one for themselves, knowing that the odds are against them.  It is just so sad.

Knowing these two and their story makes my yearning to adopt, that much stronger!  I know that there are so many children out there who don't have a chance, without a family to love them.  I want to give them that chance.  Sure part of my reason for adopting is selfish, because I want to be a mom.  So much of it though stems from experiences throughout my life like this one.  These are the instances that have put the desire to adopt on my heart. 

Wednesday, March 6, 2013


We got an email from our agency today and we are LID!!!!  We were DTC on February 1st, and LID on February 25th, and notified today!  What an awesome feeling!  We now can be matched with a child at any point.  We also are now eligible to be matched with a child that has a LID only designation.  Hopefully we will be hearing some good news from our agency soon!  So excited!

Monday, February 25, 2013

Technically We are Eligible

The new list of children available for adoption in the waiting child program in China, is coming out tonight.  Our paperwork went to China on February 1st.  That is such a huge step and the next step to come after that is LID (means log in date or logged in documents.)  We have not heard from our agency that we have been logged in.  :(  Most people that I have talked to who had their documents sent to China before Chinese New Year, have already received word from their agencies that they have been logged in.  I have been on pins and needles all day, hoping for an email from our agency, saying that we are logged in, so that we would be eligible to be matched from tonight's list.  I did not hear from the agency.  This doesn't mean that we are totally out of it though.  We could still be matched with a child that is starting out as a special focus child.  What this usually means is that the child has either been waiting on the list for more than 2-3 months, or China feels that the child's needs will make them harder to place or match.  Some times, a child will start out with a special focus label, because he is a boy.  To be matched with a special focus child, a family does not need a LID.  So...technically we could be matched tonight.  I am not holding my breath.  I don't think that it is likely to happen, but it could.  I am nervous, and excited.  I am leaving this in God's ball park, and if it is meant to happen tonight, so that we have the child He has chosen for us, it will happen.  If we don't get the call, then I trust God's plan. 

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Awesome Coupons

Yesterday I went shopping and had my first ever 100% savings.  For anyone who isn't a couponer, what that means is I went shopping and left the store having paid nothing...$0.00.  I have had good deals before and gotten a lot of items free, but I always ended up paying something out of pocket, usually because I had to buy other things like milk, which I don't often have a coupon for.  This time I had coupons for everything in my cart, and ended up with 7 items, which amounted to about $30 in products.  And my total after they took off my coupons was $0.00.  I was super excited!

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Big Decisions

My hubby and I had a long talk last Saturday.  After having our consultation with one of the best IVF doctors in the world, I was pretty set on doing another IVF, and freezing all of the embryos until after we were home with our baby from China.  Hubby was pretty up in the air about it.  He was worried about the finances.  I was too, but I do feel like this would be our best chance at having a genetic child in the future.  Genetics aren't everything, and I am really comfortable with some or all of our children not having our genes, and hubby is too.  We just really want a larger family, and feel like what ever way gets us to that point, is fine with us.  We just want to be able to support all the children that we have.  So if we did IVF again, and it worked, it would be cheaper than adopting all of our children, but if it didn't, it would put us that much further in debt.

So we had a long conversation, and I realized that what is most important to me, is that I have children, or at least a child.  I could live the rest of my life, happy as can be, without even having given birth, and without having a genetic child.  What really matters is hearing someone call me mom.  Sure it would be nice to see what the combination of my genes with my husbands would be like...but I don't NEED it.  It would be nice to feel a baby kick, or to experience a pregnancy, and to have a baby from before birth, knowing he/she is ours in a way that no one can ever take away.  But those are things that I can live without.  I cannot imagine my life with never having the chance to be a mom. 

Adoption was always something that I planned to do in addition to giving birth.  I always imagined that I would have a child or two the natural way, and then adopt a few, and just see where our family went from there.  So adoption was never something that I had to get used to the idea, or that I had to choose as a second choice (as many people see it.)  I have always wanted to adopt.  I just never thought that I would do it instead of giving birth.  But in our conversation on Saturday, I realized that I was wanting to do another IVF because it is what I thought would make hubby happy, and after the conversation, I realized that I am getting my greatest wish...to be a mom.  I really don't need to go through all that again, to try to make something work...that just doesn't!  Why put my body through that....why go through the emotional hurricane of IVF...if I don't have to.

I am not saying that we will never do IVF again, because I am positive that we will.  How do I know that, well we still have four snowflake babies, that we will transfer at some point.  And I can't say that we will never to a fresh cycle again...or that we won't adopt embryos, or get donor eggs.  I guess what I am saying is that we have decided to not go through with a cycle in April.  We will finish our adoption, hopefully this year, and then go from there.  If we try with my eggs again, and the embryos don't result in babies, then we will think about where to go from there.  I love the idea of completing our family with adoption, or embryo adoption, but if my husband wants to try an egg donor, that option is still there too.

I have to say though, that all day on Saturday, after we had come to that decision, I was walking a little lighter.  I knew that financially we will be better off, and no matter what, I was going to be a mom.  So finish the adoption and go from there.  If you have read my previous posts, you know that I am a planner.  I need a plan to function, so this whole not having a set plan has made me a bit nervous, but it is so nice to just know that we have lots of options, and we can decide between them all later.
I am struggling with the fact that we have found a great doctor...one of the best, and have no made the decision to possibly not try an IVF with him, but when I start to worry about that, I remind myself of what is important, and that is being a mom...not having and IVF be successful.  So even if we never do an IVF with this great doctor...I will be a mom!!!  I love saying that.  I love looking at baby things, and starting a registry, and wondering what my child is doing right now.  I pray everyday for my child, and his birth family...and pretty much everyone involved in orphan care in China.

I have to say that I have found peace.  While I was going through fertility treatments, I was going through a bit of a spiritual dry spell.  I couldn't feel God close to me, or comforting me.  It was hard.  I would try praying, and felt nothing...I got to the point where I pretty much gave up on God, and I felt like He gave up on me.  Now, I feel Him close again.  I am finding that I can pray again, and feel like He is leading me again.  After our conversation on Saturday, I told God that I am leaving this in His hands, and will follow where he wants me to go.  If that means our family is built through adoption only, I accept that, and won't fight Him on it anymore.  If it means one child, so be it, I will listen to where He leads, and do my best to follow.  Things feel right again, no longer strained and struggling.  I am at peace and am just looking forward to God leading us to our child, and bringing him home.

Our next step is meeting with pediatricians and finding one who works with families who adopt internationally.  I have my first meeting tomorrow with one that I have heard great things about.  I have written a list of questions to ask, and hopefully I will like the answers, and be able to go with her...if not, I need to try to find another doctor fairly close by, who knows what they are doing with children adopted from China.  Another big step will hopefully be checked off my list tomorrow!