Today is 11dp3dt. This is the longest that we have made it....and I have hope. This morning I woke up with mild period like cramping, and I nearly lost it. I thought it was all over. During our last IVF in November, this was the day that AF started. All week long I have been dreading today. I worried and worried and worried some more that AF would show up today...and that we wouldn't even make it to Beta. So far, so good. I have not taken a home test...I don't want to ruin the hope that I have right now...so I will wait. Three more days till beta, and every minute that I make it with no AF, I get a bit more hopeful. My period is as regular as it can be. Even when I have been on progesterone in the past, pre-ivf days, I would always get AF on time...give or take a day. And like clockwork during our last IVF, she came, on time. I still had to go in for the beta...and since they let me come in early...they wanted to double check...and so Thanksgiving day, I was waiting to hear that I could stop the meds, and more importantly....DRINK! After AF showed up last time....I knew it was over, but I still wasn't going to do anything to mess things up....just in case. But once I got the official word that it was indeed AF...I wanted to enjoy my bottle of wine. This time...I have made it further. I am constantly praying that I make it through the next few days, with no AF, and no spotting. I am praying that those little beans stuck, and on Tuesday...I will finally get that positive that we have been trying for...for almost three years. I am also trying to not get my hopes too high, just in case. I know that the lack of spotting, does not mean it will be positive...but my chances are better, the closer I get.
Last time, I came up with a plan during the tww, I knew exactly what we were going to do, if things didn't work. I planned out the next few months, with fun and exciting things that I wouldn't get to do, if there was a positive. I did this so I would have things to look forward to...trying to turn the negative into a positive...and it did keep me from completely losing it, when we got that negative. I even planned out, our next step in this process, and worked out the finances for another round. This time, I have had a harder time doing that. It isn't because I don't want a plan. I keep trying to come up with one...I just don't know where to go from here. After one failed IVF, I felt....try again, statistics show it would be likely to work. I can't think past a second failed attempt. I have a few ideas in my head, but I need a break. I can't keep doing this. Both financially and emotionally, it is way too hard. I constantly think about the embryos that we have already lost. I believe life begins at conception, and so we have six beautiful snowflakes, and hopefully we have two more embabies growing inside me....but I think about the 9 that didn't make it in round one, and now the 12 that didn't make it this time. 21 total that we have lost already. I pray for them. It may sound crazy to some, but I pray that God has them with Him, and that he is taking care of them. I pray that they are given the life that they didn't have a chance to live on Earth. I then also pray that God keeps safe our 6 snowbabies. And I pray for the two that I hope are still growing in me. God gives me hope. I am holding on tight to that hope, praying that we will finally get those two pink lines!
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