Before I got married I did everything I could to not get pregnant, not knowing that I was infertile. For the last 3 years I have been doing everything I could possibly do to try to get pregnant...Lots of ovulation strips, and checking for fertility signs. So many times of peeing on a stick, only to have one line glare back at me. The first two years were filled with medications with terrible side effects, and trying naturally. Nothing worked, and the doc wouldn't listen to me that I thought more tests should be run. Finally I switch to a great RE last year, and then we start on the IVF path. We tried 2 fresh IVFs, and then one FET. Nothing worked. So we faced the decision of adoption or continuing to try IVF, possibly experimenting with surrogates and donors...I say experiment, because we still don't know for sure if it is my immune system that is the issue, or my crappy eggs are the issue. Probably both are the problem, but we still have no way of knowing for sure at this point. So to continue down the IVF path, with no certainty that it will work even with donors and surrogates, we decided that adoption is our best bet. We have decided that this does not end our infertility journey. We do want a larger family, if we have our say in it. So all that being said, we have agreed to not actively try to get pregnant, while we are going through the adoption process. We are going to run more tests and try to figure out what is the biggest problem, and come up with a plan to hopefully add more children to our family. And we plan on doing an IVF cycle in the fall, freezing all resulting embryos, so that we can transfer them to either me or a surrogate in the future. We figure we should get my eggs while there are still eggs there. If we find that my eggs are the problem, then we will eventually move on to donor eggs, but there is always time to get donor eggs. There are some restrictions on age when adopting, and well...my eggs will expire at some point...and if they aren't great now, they definitely won't be great if we wait much longer.
So now we are back where we started. I am monitoring when I ovulate, not to get pregnant, but to try not to. It isn't that I think at this point that it is possible, and of course a pregnancy at this point would still be a blessing, but I want to adopt. With the agency and country that we are going with, we cannot get pregnant. So I am going to try my best to not get pregnant. I laughed at that a bit when I typed it, because to think that at any point I have to try NOT to get pregnant...yeah right. Crazy thought! Anyway...I just thought it odd that after all this time of trying everything possible to get pregnant, we are back to trying not to.
It is hard to switch gears. I am so used to watching for the signs, and hoping this is the month. I am so used to watching what I am eating, and not drinking alcohol, or taking medications after ovulation or transfers. I just realized that I have about a year of not having to worry about any of that. It isn't that I am going to go overboard or anything, but it is so nice to have a bit of a break, and to just be normal. Normal...for a whole year....and then I will be a mom, if all goes right.
Friday, June 22, 2012
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
We're Accepted!
We mailed our application to adopt last Friday. Today we got the email saying that we are accepted into their adoption program. I am so excited. We get to officially start our paperwork. I plan on getting the paperwork finished in record time. So Excited!!! :)
Friday, June 15, 2012
The First Official Step
Tonight I filled out the application to the adoption agency that we have chosen to work with. It took a bit longer to get this step completed, than what we anticipated because we hit a few snags this week that we needed to work out. But now that those hills are climbed, we can mail out the application tomorrow. We will know within two weeks if we are accepted into the agencies program. I am so ready to get this show on the road, and I am so excited to work with the agency that we have decided on. So far my dealings with this agency have been amazing. They are so helpful, and nice. I really feel good about our decisions so far.
We also had our follow up visit for our FET this week. I have to say that our doctor is such a kind and wonderful man. He heard that we were thinking of adopting, before we went in to see him, and figured that our fertility treatment journey was finished. He was surprised to hear that we still plan on pursuing fertility treatments. But either way, he has offered to help in any way that he can. We talked about why we think IVF hasn't worked for us yet. We came up with a list of tests that we can run to see if we can get some more answers. And we came up with a plan of what to try next. So we will get the tests done as soon as we get confirmation that the insurance company will cover them, and then we are planning on doing a freeze all IVF in October or November. We will freeze our embryos in batches of about 4, and on day 1. So they will have a decent chance of surviving the thaw, since at later stages, our embryos just don't look like that will survive. Then after we are home with our baby through adoption, we will decide when we are ready to start trying FETs. We decided on this for a few reasons. First, my eggs aren't getting any younger, so we may as well get them while they are there, and save them for later. Second, an FET is so much easier on the body, so when I am at home with a baby, it will be easier for me to do and FET than it would be a fresh cycle. Also we will have our 4 that we already have frozen as a back up, if we ever do thaw a batch of 4 and none survive. We can then convert to a day 5 transfer instead of a day 3, and not waste all of the prep that we did for that transfer. Since they are already day 5 embryos, they don't have to sit in culture for days, so they can be thawed after we have realized the first batch didn't make it. We also figure that by freezing our embryos in the fall, we can still work to figure out why this isn't working, and if it turns out that we need to get a surrogate or donor eggs, or what ever other hoop we have to jump through, we can still have embryos frozen to use at a later date. I figure we can always do another IVF if we need to at a later date. We can always get donor eggs if we need them...but my eggs may not be there a year or two from now. I should get them while they are there, and we can figure out what to do with them later. Now the trick between now and then....finding a way to pay for it all.
If things stop breaking on the house...we will be able to have some money for both the adoption and the IVF. In the last year we have had a new roof, new siding on the side of the house, new vents on the side of the house, a new mailbox, a new window, when the contractors fixed the lights in our family room, they stepped through the floor in the attic and had to repaint the ceiling. We also had to replace the washer and dryer, the garbage disposal, and now we have a new dishwasher coming tomorrow. My husband's car has also broken down about 6 times in the last year. And the garage door opener hasn't worked right in months, we just haven't called someone to fix it yet. Oh and DirecTv has been at our house about 5 times in the last year. We also had to replace a pipe on our sprinkler system, and had a pretty big repair bill for our air conditioner. So really we hopefully should have at least a few months where nothing breaks, and we can save a little money for the IVF in the fall. I keep saying that since we have replaced so much, nothing else should break, but it still doesn't stop!!! Maybe now, we can have a few months free. On a good note, with everything that we have done outside to the house, it is looking awesome! We hired a new lawn service this year, and they offered to grind up our stumps that we have in the back yard. Our cost for it is a fair trade. We are giving him the old lawn mower that broke last year, and he will grind up the stumps. He fixes mowers, so it works out great for us and him. He also offered to trim our landscaping, for a reasonable price. So with all of the work he has done and the work that hubby put into the backyard and garden this year, it really looks amazing!
We also had our follow up visit for our FET this week. I have to say that our doctor is such a kind and wonderful man. He heard that we were thinking of adopting, before we went in to see him, and figured that our fertility treatment journey was finished. He was surprised to hear that we still plan on pursuing fertility treatments. But either way, he has offered to help in any way that he can. We talked about why we think IVF hasn't worked for us yet. We came up with a list of tests that we can run to see if we can get some more answers. And we came up with a plan of what to try next. So we will get the tests done as soon as we get confirmation that the insurance company will cover them, and then we are planning on doing a freeze all IVF in October or November. We will freeze our embryos in batches of about 4, and on day 1. So they will have a decent chance of surviving the thaw, since at later stages, our embryos just don't look like that will survive. Then after we are home with our baby through adoption, we will decide when we are ready to start trying FETs. We decided on this for a few reasons. First, my eggs aren't getting any younger, so we may as well get them while they are there, and save them for later. Second, an FET is so much easier on the body, so when I am at home with a baby, it will be easier for me to do and FET than it would be a fresh cycle. Also we will have our 4 that we already have frozen as a back up, if we ever do thaw a batch of 4 and none survive. We can then convert to a day 5 transfer instead of a day 3, and not waste all of the prep that we did for that transfer. Since they are already day 5 embryos, they don't have to sit in culture for days, so they can be thawed after we have realized the first batch didn't make it. We also figure that by freezing our embryos in the fall, we can still work to figure out why this isn't working, and if it turns out that we need to get a surrogate or donor eggs, or what ever other hoop we have to jump through, we can still have embryos frozen to use at a later date. I figure we can always do another IVF if we need to at a later date. We can always get donor eggs if we need them...but my eggs may not be there a year or two from now. I should get them while they are there, and we can figure out what to do with them later. Now the trick between now and then....finding a way to pay for it all.
If things stop breaking on the house...we will be able to have some money for both the adoption and the IVF. In the last year we have had a new roof, new siding on the side of the house, new vents on the side of the house, a new mailbox, a new window, when the contractors fixed the lights in our family room, they stepped through the floor in the attic and had to repaint the ceiling. We also had to replace the washer and dryer, the garbage disposal, and now we have a new dishwasher coming tomorrow. My husband's car has also broken down about 6 times in the last year. And the garage door opener hasn't worked right in months, we just haven't called someone to fix it yet. Oh and DirecTv has been at our house about 5 times in the last year. We also had to replace a pipe on our sprinkler system, and had a pretty big repair bill for our air conditioner. So really we hopefully should have at least a few months where nothing breaks, and we can save a little money for the IVF in the fall. I keep saying that since we have replaced so much, nothing else should break, but it still doesn't stop!!! Maybe now, we can have a few months free. On a good note, with everything that we have done outside to the house, it is looking awesome! We hired a new lawn service this year, and they offered to grind up our stumps that we have in the back yard. Our cost for it is a fair trade. We are giving him the old lawn mower that broke last year, and he will grind up the stumps. He fixes mowers, so it works out great for us and him. He also offered to trim our landscaping, for a reasonable price. So with all of the work he has done and the work that hubby put into the backyard and garden this year, it really looks amazing!
Friday, June 8, 2012
One of Those Wow Moments!
I came to a pretty amazing realization yesterday. As I posted, we had decided to start the adoption process, and since it was something that we had considered for a long time, we knew which route we were thinking of taking. So when we found out that our FET had failed, we took the plunge, and started asking the agency that we liked most, the questions that we had. Today we got the last of the answers that we needed before we could make our formal application to this agency. So we will be filling that out this weekend, and mailing it off next week. Since we had been corresponding with this agency all week, it got me thinking about how short this process could be, in comparison to how long we have been trying for a baby. The adoption program that we are looking at typically takes 12-18 months. So taking that into consideration, with the age child that we are considering adopting, I came to one of those WOW moments.
Our child, more than likely has been conceived and may have even been born recently. So since realizing this yesterday, I have really been thinking a lot about this child...who will become our child. I am thinking about a woman who is carrying a baby, and who is having to make the most difficult decision she will ever have to make. My heart breaks for her, and for the child that she is carrying. They will soon or may already be separated, possibly for the rest of their lives. While undergoing all of our fertility treatments, I have really struggled with my faith, and trust in God. I was often angry, and didn't understand why God would make us go through this. I really wanted nothing to do with God. Since we had made the decision to adopt, I have have a peace come over me. It made the outcome of our FET not only bearable, but also gave me hope. And now since the realization that I came to yesterday, that our child already exists, I have a new found faith, and I have been praying harder than I have ever prayed before. I pray for the first mom of our child, that she have peace with the decision that she has to make, and feels comforted by God, knowing that her child will be loved and cherished. I know that there is know way that she can know this for sure, but I pray that God helps her know it. My heart will forever be entwined with this woman, that I will never meet. I pray for the child that she is carrying or has recently given birth to. I pray that while this child waits for us, he/she is well taken care of and loved by the caregivers. I pray that there are hugs and kisses when this child is sad or scared. I pray for the caregivers, and orphanage, that they have the resources that they need to care for our child, and the other children there. I pray, and pray, and pray, for a child I have not met, a child I do not know, but a child I already am starting to love. I worry already, even though we are not even close to the end of this process, the thought that our child could be out there, makes me worry.
My faith is back in a good place. I am praying a lot, and trusting God like crazy! I know that a lot can go wrong still, and we have a long road ahead of us, but I am excited about the journey, and can't wait to meet our child.
Our child, more than likely has been conceived and may have even been born recently. So since realizing this yesterday, I have really been thinking a lot about this child...who will become our child. I am thinking about a woman who is carrying a baby, and who is having to make the most difficult decision she will ever have to make. My heart breaks for her, and for the child that she is carrying. They will soon or may already be separated, possibly for the rest of their lives. While undergoing all of our fertility treatments, I have really struggled with my faith, and trust in God. I was often angry, and didn't understand why God would make us go through this. I really wanted nothing to do with God. Since we had made the decision to adopt, I have have a peace come over me. It made the outcome of our FET not only bearable, but also gave me hope. And now since the realization that I came to yesterday, that our child already exists, I have a new found faith, and I have been praying harder than I have ever prayed before. I pray for the first mom of our child, that she have peace with the decision that she has to make, and feels comforted by God, knowing that her child will be loved and cherished. I know that there is know way that she can know this for sure, but I pray that God helps her know it. My heart will forever be entwined with this woman, that I will never meet. I pray for the child that she is carrying or has recently given birth to. I pray that while this child waits for us, he/she is well taken care of and loved by the caregivers. I pray that there are hugs and kisses when this child is sad or scared. I pray for the caregivers, and orphanage, that they have the resources that they need to care for our child, and the other children there. I pray, and pray, and pray, for a child I have not met, a child I do not know, but a child I already am starting to love. I worry already, even though we are not even close to the end of this process, the thought that our child could be out there, makes me worry.
My faith is back in a good place. I am praying a lot, and trusting God like crazy! I know that a lot can go wrong still, and we have a long road ahead of us, but I am excited about the journey, and can't wait to meet our child.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
FET #1 BFN
Thanks so much to those of you who commented with support. I wanted to give an update. Our beta was negative. I did an HPT that morning, and it was negative, so I was prepared when they called with the bad news. I am doing okay though. Hubby and I have decided to start the adoption process. I think that we have an agency picked out, and I am going to try to have the application completed by the end of next week. So as disappointing as it is to have our cycle fail, I am excited and happy to be starting the adoption process.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
We've Made it Longer Than We Ever Have Before, and Tomorrow We will Know!
Tomorrow is our Beta. We have never made it to beta. I have always started spotting before. So we are both excited and nervous. I haven't tested at home, at least not yet. We may tomorrow before I go for the beta, so at least I don't have to hear the news from the nurse. I don't think I will get much sleep tonight. I just want tomorrow over with. Most people are excited for Beta day, me...not so much. I mean I want to know if this worked, but we have never gotten an official positive. So our lack of enthusiasm is because we worry that we never will. I have had some good signs this time, that I haven't had in the past. I do worry though that it is all just side effects from the meds. Tomorrow is 14dp6dt. Please, Please Please...just let this one be the positive!
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