Big Decisions

My hubby and I had a long talk last Saturday.  After having our consultation with one of the best IVF doctors in the world, I was pretty set on doing another IVF, and freezing all of the embryos until after we were home with our baby from China.  Hubby was pretty up in the air about it.  He was worried about the finances.  I was too, but I do feel like this would be our best chance at having a genetic child in the future.  Genetics aren't everything, and I am really comfortable with some or all of our children not having our genes, and hubby is too.  We just really want a larger family, and feel like what ever way gets us to that point, is fine with us.  We just want to be able to support all the children that we have.  So if we did IVF again, and it worked, it would be cheaper than adopting all of our children, but if it didn't, it would put us that much further in debt.

So we had a long conversation, and I realized that what is most important to me, is that I have children, or at least a child.  I could live the rest of my life, happy as can be, without even having given birth, and without having a genetic child.  What really matters is hearing someone call me mom.  Sure it would be nice to see what the combination of my genes with my husbands would be like...but I don't NEED it.  It would be nice to feel a baby kick, or to experience a pregnancy, and to have a baby from before birth, knowing he/she is ours in a way that no one can ever take away.  But those are things that I can live without.  I cannot imagine my life with never having the chance to be a mom. 

Adoption was always something that I planned to do in addition to giving birth.  I always imagined that I would have a child or two the natural way, and then adopt a few, and just see where our family went from there.  So adoption was never something that I had to get used to the idea, or that I had to choose as a second choice (as many people see it.)  I have always wanted to adopt.  I just never thought that I would do it instead of giving birth.  But in our conversation on Saturday, I realized that I was wanting to do another IVF because it is what I thought would make hubby happy, and after the conversation, I realized that I am getting my greatest wish...to be a mom.  I really don't need to go through all that again, to try to make something work...that just doesn't!  Why put my body through that....why go through the emotional hurricane of IVF...if I don't have to.

I am not saying that we will never do IVF again, because I am positive that we will.  How do I know that, well we still have four snowflake babies, that we will transfer at some point.  And I can't say that we will never to a fresh cycle again...or that we won't adopt embryos, or get donor eggs.  I guess what I am saying is that we have decided to not go through with a cycle in April.  We will finish our adoption, hopefully this year, and then go from there.  If we try with my eggs again, and the embryos don't result in babies, then we will think about where to go from there.  I love the idea of completing our family with adoption, or embryo adoption, but if my husband wants to try an egg donor, that option is still there too.

I have to say though, that all day on Saturday, after we had come to that decision, I was walking a little lighter.  I knew that financially we will be better off, and no matter what, I was going to be a mom.  So finish the adoption and go from there.  If you have read my previous posts, you know that I am a planner.  I need a plan to function, so this whole not having a set plan has made me a bit nervous, but it is so nice to just know that we have lots of options, and we can decide between them all later.
I am struggling with the fact that we have found a great doctor...one of the best, and have no made the decision to possibly not try an IVF with him, but when I start to worry about that, I remind myself of what is important, and that is being a mom...not having and IVF be successful.  So even if we never do an IVF with this great doctor...I will be a mom!!!  I love saying that.  I love looking at baby things, and starting a registry, and wondering what my child is doing right now.  I pray everyday for my child, and his birth family...and pretty much everyone involved in orphan care in China.

I have to say that I have found peace.  While I was going through fertility treatments, I was going through a bit of a spiritual dry spell.  I couldn't feel God close to me, or comforting me.  It was hard.  I would try praying, and felt nothing...I got to the point where I pretty much gave up on God, and I felt like He gave up on me.  Now, I feel Him close again.  I am finding that I can pray again, and feel like He is leading me again.  After our conversation on Saturday, I told God that I am leaving this in His hands, and will follow where he wants me to go.  If that means our family is built through adoption only, I accept that, and won't fight Him on it anymore.  If it means one child, so be it, I will listen to where He leads, and do my best to follow.  Things feel right again, no longer strained and struggling.  I am at peace and am just looking forward to God leading us to our child, and bringing him home.

Our next step is meeting with pediatricians and finding one who works with families who adopt internationally.  I have my first meeting tomorrow with one that I have heard great things about.  I have written a list of questions to ask, and hopefully I will like the answers, and be able to go with her...if not, I need to try to find another doctor fairly close by, who knows what they are doing with children adopted from China.  Another big step will hopefully be checked off my list tomorrow!