Next Plan of Action

We had our follow up appointment with our doctor today, about our last failed IVF.  I had been writing my list of questions since last week...so having a week to think about questions, and research online, makes for a long list of questions.  I ended up with 5 hand written pages, that I went through and organized into categories last night, so there was some order to them when I asked them...instead of jumping around. 

So we sat down with the doctor, and he took the time to answer every one of the questions that I had.  He gave his input on the information that I found online, and let us know if he thought these things were worth trying, or just plain crazy.  Most of them he figured were worth a try, and couldn't hurt.  So it looks like we have a plan for the next transfer.

I will call on day one of my next cycle, and start the wonderful BC pill soon after.  Then at some point after that I will start lupron.  I guess they will let me know when it gets closer.  We discussed trying a higher dose of prednisone and/or switching to dexamethasone.  I am not sure which we will do yet.  If we up the dose of prednisone, we will probably do a much higher dose (60mg) for a few days after transfer, and then maybe lower it to 20mg at least until the beta.  We also talked about adding in Claratin, and pepcid, which he agreed couldn't hurt anything, so it is worth a try.  And thankfully, he would like to try intralipids.  So we will be adding that this time.  I will most likely stay on the crinone, baby aspirin, folgard, lovenox and prenatal.  He gave me some endometrin to see if I have an allergic reaction to it.  I can try it and see, or we can just plan on Crinone for next time.  It is all still so confusing, but at least we have a plan in place of where we are going next.

We also talked about other tests that we can run, to see if there are other problems going on.  His office is supposed to call me with how much the tests will cost, and then we can decide if we want to pay for the tests.  I am leaning toward skipping the NK cell testing, because we are going to treat with intralipids anyway, so the results won't make a difference in treatment.  I am leaning towards paying for the cost of the HLA and DQ Alpha testing, because if it comes back 100% positive, we may as well not waste anymore embryos by putting them in me.  If it is a 50% match, then we know that it may benefit us to transfer only one at a time.  And at least if it isn't a match...then we can feel at ease that, that isn't the problem.  I am really hoping that they come back with insurance will cover some of the cost, but I do think that even if they don't cover it, we will probably get the testing done. 

If it comes back with 100% match, it is pretty much game over for us.  the only way that we would be able to have a baby is through a gestational surrogate.  I am all for it, if that is what we have to do, but Hubby is hesitant.  Plus the cost of that would be a bit more prohibiting for us.  Time will tell though.  No sense in worrying over this at this point.  We will cross that bridge when we get there. 

If you ask me for my gut feeling, I really think that the intralipids will be our answer.  We will try the other meds (claratin, pepcid, etc.)  and I do think that the combination of these additions of medication will make the difference for us.  We have some good looking blasts to transfer, and with having 6 frozen, we have a really good chance of having 2 to transfer.  Part of me really wants to skip the testing before this transfer...do one more transfer before we test the DQ Alpha and HLA.  I think it is because I really don't want to know the result if it is bad news.  I don't want to give up the dream of getting pregnant and having our baby.  So maybe we will wait to test.  We can see if all this extra stuff helps...and if it doesn't work...then we can do the tests.  I guess I will wait to see what insurance says.

On Our Way...Again!

The world of fertility treatments is crazy and overwhelming at times.  It will consume your life...if you let it.  There are times that I let it take over our lives, and then there are times that we have to step back and take a break.  After our last round failed, I thought that we would take a six month break.  Then I got to thinking about waiting six months before we would try again, and I just couldn't do it.  So, we talked about it, and decided that we could do a transfer with two of our embryos in May.  That would give us some regroup time, and travel time, and yet we wouldn't have to wait six months.  So the planning and scheduling has to begin.  I know that we are two months out still, but so much prep goes into IVF.  Our doctor mentioned that he would want to do another hysteroscopy and D&C before we do another transfer.  Well...that has to be done at least 30 days before and preferably no more than 90 days before.  So if we are looking at May, that leaves us March or April to do this.  It is already March, so if we want to do it this month, I would have to get a move on things.  We could wait until April, but I am hoping to get to travel in April with Hubby.  He has a business trip coming up that I would love to go on...meaning that we would be gone during the time in my cycle that this would have to be...So March it is.  The problem is that our follow up, to go over what we all think went wrong with the last cycle, and come up with a plan of what to do next, isn't until Friday.  If we wait till Friday to discuss all this with the Doc, it may be too late to schedule it for next week.  So I emailed him today to mention that we would like to aim for May, and explain the situation about when to schedule the D&C.  He said that he would get on it, and get it scheduled for next week.  :)
So we are on our way again....Starting our first step towards our next transfer.  I will know more and have a solid plan after Friday's appointment.  There is so much to discuss with the Doc.  Hopefully he will have some ideas and answers.  He also mentioned running more tests, so I am hoping that they can do them that day...get them out of the way and get some answers before we go much further. 
On another note, I got my results from the thyroid doctor this morning.  My TSH was .84.  It couldn't be more perfect than that!  :)  I was so excited to hear that we finally got it to a good level.  We will of course check it again before we do a transfer, but for now...I am good!

Well...I was Pregnant!

So after I started spotting again...the night before beta...again, I just figured that it was all over.  I was right, but this time the results weren't a flat out negative.  I had a chemical pregnancy.  I hate the term "Chemical Pregnancy."  It makes it seem like there wasn't one...that my body was producing hormones that it wasn't supposed to.  In actuality, a chemical pregnancy is just another term for a VERY early miscarriage.  It is a miscarriage that happens before a heartbeat can be detected.  In my case...we didn't even get close to a heartbeat.  Last time we had a flat out negative...like neither embryo even tried to implant.  This time at least one started to.  Yes I am sad, mad and every other emotion you can think of, but at the same time, this gives me a little bit of hope.  With it completely negative, we have no idea what happened...Did my body kill them off as soon as we put them in?  Were they just not viable?  We still don't know if they were viable or not, but we at least know that my body didn't kill them off right away.  It gives us a few clues as to where to go from here.  Tells us some more tests that can be run.  And luckily we have a wonderful proactive doctor, who is willing to help us figure this all out.  He mentioned some more tests that he wants to run, and some ideas of what to try next.  I made our follow up appointment for next Friday, and I have been writing my book of questions and things to talk to him about.  We have our ideas of where we want to go from here, and what we want to try, now we just have to make sure the Good Doc is on board.  We would like to try for a transfer in May.  I would like to use two of our snowflakes from November.  Since we have 4, I would love for all of them to make it to thaw, but I am being realistic, and thinking that we will at least get two to transfer if we thaw them.  So...as long as the Doc agrees, that is our plan.  I also plan on asking about some other meds that we can try this time.  So we will see what the Doc thinks, and hopefully that plan will be a go!

And Just Like that...It is All Over

I was still so hopeful, earlier today, even though I really wasn't feeling any early pregnancy symptoms...and then this evening, my world shattered yet again.  Tomorrow is my beta...and I again didn't even make it to beta.  I started spotting this evening.  Basically that means that it is all over.  Sure there is a slim chance.  Maybe it is early pregnancy spotting, maybe there were two, and I am losing one, maybe, maybe , maybe.  And even with these maybes...there isn't much hope.  These maybes represent less than 1% statistically...so we know it is over.  The doctor still makes you go in for the blood test...just in case, but I know what the result will be.  You would think that this would get easier, or that you would get used to this, after going through it so many times.  But I never do, it hurts just as much, and actually it hurts even more now, because we know that there are embryos that we are losing, and financially...well, we just can't keep affording this.  We need a break, not only for our sanity, but also financially.  So...now we need to come up with our plan...what will we do next.  It is tough to know where to go from here. 

Beta Tomorrow....Can't Wait for the Wait to be Over

Tomorrow is my beta blood test.  I have not tested at home, but we plan to tomorrow morning.  I know it sounds crazy to wait until the day of the blood test, and then test at home.  We just don't want to find out while Hubby is at work and I am at home, by myself.  So we figure, we will test before the blood test, and know what the results will be, before they call with them. 
As for how I am feeling, I have never been so tired in my life!  I sleep plenty.  But that is really all I feel like doing.  I have been feeling this way for several days now.  It could be a side effect to one of the many meds that I am on.  But I definitely didn't feel like this last time.  I am on double the crinone, but since it doesn't absorb into the blood like PIO does, it doesn't come with tiredness as one of the major side effects.  So...what about estradiol?  Well, I am on half the dose I was on last time, and it has never made me feel this way.  The steroid, folgard, baby aspirin, and prenatal all don't have that side effect.  So that brings me to the lovenox...dizziness, is listed, but not exhaustion.  So...either I am reacting differently to the meds this time, or...maybe this actually worked. 
I am hesitant to believe that it worked because I am lacking some of the major early signs of pregnancy.  No breast tenderness, no real PMS symptoms at all.  No major bloat going on, no constipation, no major nausea, just nothing that shouts out to me that I am pregnant.  However, I am exhausted, pants are a little tight, slight headache on and off, rapid heart beat (which is common for me,) and just an all round not good feeling...but not a feeling like AF is on her way...no sign or feeling of her coming to visit...just not feeling great.  Less than a day more to wait, and then we will know for sure.

Every Minute Gives Me a Bit More Hope

Today is 11dp3dt.  This is the longest that we have made it....and I have hope.  This morning I woke up with mild period like cramping, and I nearly lost it.  I thought it was all over.  During our last IVF in November, this was the day that AF started.  All week long I have been dreading today.  I worried and worried and worried some more that AF would show up today...and that we wouldn't even make it to Beta.  So far, so good.  I have not taken a home test...I don't want to ruin the hope that I have right now...so I will wait.  Three more days till beta, and every minute that I make it with no AF, I get a bit more hopeful.  My period is as regular as it can be.  Even when I have been on progesterone in the past, pre-ivf days, I would always get AF on time...give or take a day.  And like clockwork during our last IVF, she came, on time.  I still had to go in for the beta...and since they let me come in early...they wanted to double check...and so Thanksgiving day, I was waiting to hear that I could stop the meds, and more importantly....DRINK!  After AF showed up last time....I knew it was over, but I still wasn't going to do anything to mess things up....just in case.  But once I got the official word that it was indeed AF...I wanted to enjoy my bottle of wine.  This time...I have made it further.  I am constantly praying that I make it through the next few days, with no AF, and no spotting.  I am praying that those little beans stuck, and on Tuesday...I will finally get that positive that we have been trying for...for almost three years.  I am also trying to not get my hopes too high, just in case.  I know that the lack of spotting, does not mean it will be positive...but my chances are better, the closer I get. 

Last time, I came up with a plan during the tww,  I knew exactly what we were going to do, if things didn't work.  I planned out the next few months, with fun and exciting things that I wouldn't get to do, if there was a positive.  I did this so I would have things to look forward to...trying to turn the negative into a positive...and it did keep me from completely losing it, when we got that negative.  I even planned out, our next step in this process, and worked out the finances for another round.  This time, I have had a harder time doing that.  It isn't because I don't want a plan.  I keep trying to come up with one...I just don't know where to go from here.  After one failed IVF, I felt....try again, statistics show it would be likely to work.  I can't think past a second failed attempt.  I have a few ideas in my head, but I need a break.  I can't keep doing this.  Both financially and emotionally, it is way too hard.  I constantly think about the embryos that we have already lost.  I believe life begins at conception, and so we have six beautiful snowflakes, and hopefully we have two more embabies growing inside me....but I think about the 9 that didn't make it in round one, and now the 12 that didn't make it this time.  21 total that we have lost already.  I pray for them.  It may sound crazy to some, but I pray that God has them with Him, and that he is taking care of them.  I pray that they are given the life that they didn't have a chance to live on Earth.  I then also pray that God keeps safe our 6 snowbabies.  And I pray for the two that I hope are still growing in me.  God gives me hope.  I am holding on tight to that hope, praying that we will finally get those two pink lines!

IVF#2 Tww Symptoms So Far

I didn't keep track of my tww symptoms the first time around, and now I really wish I had, so I could compare.  Last time, it didn't work...and this time, well...we don't know yet.  But I wanted to list my symptoms, so even if it didn't work I would have a list to compare for next time.  So here it goes:

I had severe heartburn like pain right after the lovenox injection day of transfer, it went away, but came back in the morning.  Then I had it again that evening after the injection.  It has not happened since.

Starting 2dp3dt I started having mild cramping.  It intensified a bit, but still mild over the next few days, and faded around 6dp3dt.  I have had mild twinges since then, primarily on the right side, but not as far right as my ovary.   

I have been extremely tired since about 7dp3dt, and still am at 9dp3dt.

I started having hot flashes and night sweats 6dp3dt, and am continuing to have them.

I woke up with extreme thirst night of 7dp3dt and 8dp3dt.

I have had several episodes of extreme thirst since 7dp3dt.

I woke up last night, 8dp3dt with hip and upper leg pain.

I had a headache all day today, at 9dp3dt.

I started crying this evening 9dp3dt, for no real reason...love to see the look on hubby's face when this happens! :)

I have had some mild twinging throughout, mild lower back pain occasionally, an occasional dizzy spell, mild nausea in the morning when I wake up. 

I know that many of the things on this list can and probably are caused by all the crazy meds I am on.  I wanted to list them all though, so that I can remember for future reference.