It all Happened so Fast

I had heard rumors that the new shared list would be coming out last night, but I didn't want to get my hopes up that we would be matched.  Then someone from our agency called me yesterday afternoon, to say that we had a good chance to be matched that night, and to see how set we were on our parameters that we set.  She asked if we would look at a referral for a child, if they did not fit what we stated.  I told her that she can always have us look at a file, but I can't guarantee that we will feel comfortable to move forward.  She said that she would keep it close to what we requested, but will go up to 3 years old.  I was a mess the rest of the day, and wasn't expecting a call from her until late last night, if she was able to match us.

When she started to tell me the information about the child, I could tell that he was not close to what we expressed we were comfortable with.  I opened the email anyway, and tried to explain to her that I didn't think Hubby would feel comfortable moving forward, but that I would talk it over with him.  And talk we did...and prayed, and talked some more!  We knew fairly quickly that this child was not ours.  It is hard and sad.  I know that this child will find his family and fairly quickly.  He is adorable, and sounds like he will make a wonderful son, he was just not ours. 

I didn't sleep much last night.  After we had made our decision, I tried to sleep, but I was a mess.  I just wanted to get the phone call over with, having to call our rep from the agency back, to let her know that we had decided to not proceed with the match.  I know it sounds like we didn't put forth much thought into this, but we did.  Hubby and I agreed that when we started the adoption process, we both had to feel confident that we wanted to move forward and neither of us did.  I am okay with stretching ourselves, if a child is somewhat out of the parameters that we had set, but this child was pretty far outside what we felt comfortable with. 

So when I finally did make the call this morning, I was met with snippy and somewhat rude.  I am hoping that this is because our rep was having a bad day herself and not because we returned this child's file.  It made me feel pretty uneasy and concerned about our future with our agency.  I thought about it for a little while, and decided to email a few questions.  I have not heard back from our agency yet, but I am hoping to hear some answers soon. 

So the last 48 hours or so have been rough.  As much as I know that this child was not ours, it doesn't make it easy to return the file.  I pray now for this child, that his family finds him quickly.