Big Decisions

My hubby and I had a long talk last Saturday.  After having our consultation with one of the best IVF doctors in the world, I was pretty set on doing another IVF, and freezing all of the embryos until after we were home with our baby from China.  Hubby was pretty up in the air about it.  He was worried about the finances.  I was too, but I do feel like this would be our best chance at having a genetic child in the future.  Genetics aren't everything, and I am really comfortable with some or all of our children not having our genes, and hubby is too.  We just really want a larger family, and feel like what ever way gets us to that point, is fine with us.  We just want to be able to support all the children that we have.  So if we did IVF again, and it worked, it would be cheaper than adopting all of our children, but if it didn't, it would put us that much further in debt.

So we had a long conversation, and I realized that what is most important to me, is that I have children, or at least a child.  I could live the rest of my life, happy as can be, without even having given birth, and without having a genetic child.  What really matters is hearing someone call me mom.  Sure it would be nice to see what the combination of my genes with my husbands would be like...but I don't NEED it.  It would be nice to feel a baby kick, or to experience a pregnancy, and to have a baby from before birth, knowing he/she is ours in a way that no one can ever take away.  But those are things that I can live without.  I cannot imagine my life with never having the chance to be a mom. 

Adoption was always something that I planned to do in addition to giving birth.  I always imagined that I would have a child or two the natural way, and then adopt a few, and just see where our family went from there.  So adoption was never something that I had to get used to the idea, or that I had to choose as a second choice (as many people see it.)  I have always wanted to adopt.  I just never thought that I would do it instead of giving birth.  But in our conversation on Saturday, I realized that I was wanting to do another IVF because it is what I thought would make hubby happy, and after the conversation, I realized that I am getting my greatest wish...to be a mom.  I really don't need to go through all that again, to try to make something work...that just doesn't!  Why put my body through that....why go through the emotional hurricane of IVF...if I don't have to.

I am not saying that we will never do IVF again, because I am positive that we will.  How do I know that, well we still have four snowflake babies, that we will transfer at some point.  And I can't say that we will never to a fresh cycle again...or that we won't adopt embryos, or get donor eggs.  I guess what I am saying is that we have decided to not go through with a cycle in April.  We will finish our adoption, hopefully this year, and then go from there.  If we try with my eggs again, and the embryos don't result in babies, then we will think about where to go from there.  I love the idea of completing our family with adoption, or embryo adoption, but if my husband wants to try an egg donor, that option is still there too.

I have to say though, that all day on Saturday, after we had come to that decision, I was walking a little lighter.  I knew that financially we will be better off, and no matter what, I was going to be a mom.  So finish the adoption and go from there.  If you have read my previous posts, you know that I am a planner.  I need a plan to function, so this whole not having a set plan has made me a bit nervous, but it is so nice to just know that we have lots of options, and we can decide between them all later.
I am struggling with the fact that we have found a great doctor...one of the best, and have no made the decision to possibly not try an IVF with him, but when I start to worry about that, I remind myself of what is important, and that is being a mom...not having and IVF be successful.  So even if we never do an IVF with this great doctor...I will be a mom!!!  I love saying that.  I love looking at baby things, and starting a registry, and wondering what my child is doing right now.  I pray everyday for my child, and his birth family...and pretty much everyone involved in orphan care in China.

I have to say that I have found peace.  While I was going through fertility treatments, I was going through a bit of a spiritual dry spell.  I couldn't feel God close to me, or comforting me.  It was hard.  I would try praying, and felt nothing...I got to the point where I pretty much gave up on God, and I felt like He gave up on me.  Now, I feel Him close again.  I am finding that I can pray again, and feel like He is leading me again.  After our conversation on Saturday, I told God that I am leaving this in His hands, and will follow where he wants me to go.  If that means our family is built through adoption only, I accept that, and won't fight Him on it anymore.  If it means one child, so be it, I will listen to where He leads, and do my best to follow.  Things feel right again, no longer strained and struggling.  I am at peace and am just looking forward to God leading us to our child, and bringing him home.

Our next step is meeting with pediatricians and finding one who works with families who adopt internationally.  I have my first meeting tomorrow with one that I have heard great things about.  I have written a list of questions to ask, and hopefully I will like the answers, and be able to go with her...if not, I need to try to find another doctor fairly close by, who knows what they are doing with children adopted from China.  Another big step will hopefully be checked off my list tomorrow!

Third One's the Charm!

Today was our long awaited appointment with our new fertility doctor (the third doctor that we have been to.)  I had done my research, and before deciding on this doctor, I had narrowed it down to a few...all out of state.  So we would have to travel to do IVF, but all of the doctors that I had narrowed it down to, were some of the best in the world.  I kept looking at the doctors in our area, and just didn't see any doctors that had the expertise to deal with the complex case that we seem to be...so I looked elsewhere...and had it narrowed down to 4.  One thing that played a major part in choosing the ones that we narrowed it down to, was that we have family, or work near 3 out of the 4 doctors that were on the list...meaning that the cost to travel for a cycle was drastically decreased.  All were reasonably priced with the exception of the one that we know no one near...they are just that great, so they stayed on the list.  Anyway...So we narrowed it down to 4.  Once we were in the final stages of choosing one of the four, I got an email, saying that one of the four doctors was moving not only to our state, but to an office only a half hour away.  He is one of the best doctors in the world...and has made great advances in the world of IVF.  Well...I have to say, that made the choice for us!  I mean, one of the best doctors moves into an office so close, there was no question about it.  So we set up our free consultation...which we had today.  I wrote out detailed information about our medical history, and past IVFs.  We met with this doctor for about a half hour...but really he could pretty much tell me to jump and I would say how high.  I highly respect him, and without having met him, totally trust him.  I have been researching him like crazy and there is no doubt in my mind that if anyone will be able to get us pregnant...it will be him!  Basically, I have resigned myself to that if it doesn't work with him, it just isn't going to work for us. 

We got to the office this morning, a little early to get paperwork in order.  As we sat in the waiting room, the doctor walks in.  He says hello, and we do also.  I notice that he is wearing a nice white shiny shirt...like really, it was shiny!  He has this presence about him, that I just get a kick out of.  He isn't arrogant, although he knows that he is one of the best in the world.  We didn't feel like we were in a high pressure sales pitch, but again, I think it is because he isn't hurting for patients...he states the facts and you can take it or leave it.  I have to say, I do feel like I was a bit star struck after having read so much about this doctor, and how great he is...and then not only finally getting to meet him, but now I get to be a patient! 

So anyway, the doctor walks in for our consult and after reading the detailed information that I wrote out, told me that he could tell me what our problem has been thus far, and he knows how to fix it.  He explained some tests that he wanted to run..some of which I could not convince our last doctor to run...and then stated that he feels that we are AN EASY CASE!!!!!  Us....easy!  WOW!  He feels that with proper treatment we can be pregnant within a couple of cycles...and yeah he said realistically it could take a few cycles...but if we stick with him, we have a 90% chance that he could get me pregnant!!!  Those are some odds that are in our favor...I like those odds!!!  Well...then I burst his bubble..and told him that we are adopting.  He pretty much said that he doesn't see it as necessary in our case.  I mentioned that some people don't do it out of necessity, they really just want to!  So I did then let him know that we are not willing to transfer embryos while we are in the process, but we are not closed to the idea of banking some embryos.  So he jumped on that, and started talking April. 

We got our paperwork in order, and had blood drawn, and set things up to do our next cycle in April!  Ahhhhh!!!!  Crazy to be jumping on this roller coaster again, but I do feel emotionally ready.  Plus we aren't transferring any embryos, so I won't have the devastation, if it fails. 

So a summary of what we learned today:  he thinks that the bulk of our problems have been immunological, and improper stimulation.  He thinks that the tests that he ran today will answer the immunological questions, and he thinks that we can make some pretty embryos.  He said that with the amount of eggs that I produce, I shouldn't have quality issues, and should still be able to make a comparable amount of embryos, and have several to freeze! 

I am super excited but yet so scared at the same time.  I feel like it is worth the shot with this doctor, but at the same time, if it doesn't work, I don't think that it ever will. 

As for our adoption, we are almost one step closer.  We have our birth certificates ready to go.  All we have to do is wait for our documents to come back from the consulate and then I can bring them to the agency to be shipped off to China.  I am really hoping that we will be DTC by the end of the month.  So excited.  We should be LID before the list comes out in February.  I know it isn't likely that we will be matched the first month, but it will be so nice to have that be a possibility.  I am so super excited!

It is What It is

That is my new motto.  That is what I tell myself, when things don't go the way they should.  And it is what is keeping me calm right now.  We sent off my birth certificate for all of the crazy stuff that has to happen to it for our dossier...and it came back today with nothing done...with a letter saying we need to send it back to them with the required fee.  The only problem with this, is when I called to ask about where to send it, and if there was a fee, I was told "No."  I also searched the website, and it also stated that there was no fee for this step of the process.  The next step, yes, but this one no.  So, this not only has cost us two weeks, but my birth certificate will "expire" by the time that we send it out and have everything done to it...so why bother.  So I instead thought ahead two weeks ago...in case something like this happened...and ordered a new copy of my birth certificate, and it should be here any day now, and then we can start the crazy process over, and hopefully have it back in time to get everything authenticated by the end of December or beginning of January.

On a positive note, I am excited to say that I think we have figured out where we are going with our infertility.  There is a great new doctor that will be starting at a local fertility clinic.  I am hoping to meet with him, and get his opinion on what he would do if we tried IVF again.  I also will ask him if he would be willing to do a freeze all IVF for us, so that we have embryos to transfer after we are home with our first child.  We also got the notice in the mail that our USCIS paperwork has been received, and we should be getting notice soon about when our fingerprinting appointment is, so although still moving at a snail pace, we are moving forward! 

Remembering

Nine years ago today, my father passed away.  It is hard to believe that it has been nine years.  It seems so long ago, but it seems like yesterday.  I miss my dad everyday, and I don't think that will ever go away.  Sure you find a new normal, and you get used to him not being around...but life would really be different if he was still here with us...and I miss him.

Also, a year ago today, we had our first egg retrieval.  The first of our embryos was created, and we were so excited and hopeful...and here we are a year later, still with no baby.  At least, since we have started the adoption process, we are pretty sure that by this day, next year we will have a little one in our arms.

Bumpy Road

Infertility SUCKS!  It really sucks the life out of a person.  I am not the same person that I was three years ago.  You always hear the saying, "What doesn't kill you, will make you stronger."  I really hope that is the truth and I will come out of this a stronger person.  Last week was really rough.  I finally got a hold of someone at my doctor's office to give us our test results from August...only she didn't have them, or know what they mean.  She said that she would talk to the doctor, and get back to us.  This gave us the impression that some tests that we paid out of pocket for (insurance denied coverage,) were not run, and there was a mistake made.  I was stressed over this all week long, because it appeared that they ran the wrong test, and since we paid out of pocket, it seemed that unless we were able to convince them that this was their mistake, we were probably going to be out a ton of money, with still no answers.  I put off dealing with this though because I was dealing with adoption stuff.

So yeah infertility sucks....but adoption is no picnic either!  I didn't think that it would be an easy process when we started it.  I was prepared for some bumps in the road...but I really thought that the paperwork would be the easy part.  Boy was I wrong!  Hubby and I were both born in a different state than where we currently live.  I ordered our birth certificates early on in the process, to make sure that I gave it plenty of time to get to us.  Turns out that they sent us the wrong one, of hubby's, and now we have to order new ones...only the process can take upto 8 weeks...meaning that my birth certificate could potentially "expire," soon after that.  So it would be an incredible time crunch to get our paperwork authenticated by the 6 month mark on not only my birth certificate, but also a few other documents that I got soon after.  So I still have to send out my birth certificate to get state certified, but I now have figured that it is worth the extra $60 to spend now, to get new copies in case they do expire, we won't have to start fresh.  I am okay with doing that, if it potentially saves us time in the long run.  My worry is if we don't get all of this completed fast enough, other documents will have to be redone...some that aren't so easy to get.  I am trying to not worry about that until we have to cross that bridge, but it really does give me a head ache just thinking that could happen. 

So last week, when I was finding out about the "mix-up" at the doctor's office, I was also trying to figure out how to send our birth certificates out for state certification.  Every state has a different process, with different fees, and different steps.  Some states, you send it to the state with a fee and they just do it...nice and easy!  We weren't so lucky.  The state Hubby was born in, you cannot pre-order birth certificates, you must order them and have them directly forwarded to the next office, and then the next and after all three processes are completed they will mail it back to you...or at least that is what we think is supposed to happen.  5 out of the 6 phone numbers on their website are no longer in service...so it was tough to get straight answers on what we needed to do.  For the state I was born in, we have to send my certificate that we ordered, if it didn't come with a county seal, to the county...luckily it did.  Then once we got it back, we need to send it out to another office so that they can verify that the county seal was legitimate.  Then it can be sent on to the state at that point.  And again...each step has it's own set of fees.  So it sounds like I know what I am talking about at this point...but it took several phone calls, emails, web searches, talking to our social worker, talking to people in both states...before we think that we finally have this all figured out. 

We also are waiting on child abuse clearances for my husband from other states that he has lived in, before our home study can be completed.  Our social worker's last day in the office was today, before she leaves on vacation.  She wanted to get it finalized today, so that we wouldn't have to wait until she gets back from her trip, to start our next step...but the clearances didn't come.  Hopefully they will come while she is gone, so that we can have our home study completed next week.  So that added to the stress, because not only were we waiting on those coming in, but hubby and I needed to finish our required training, in case they did come in, so that wouldn't hold things up.  We had finished all but one of our on-line courses, but Hubby was leaving on a business trip on Friday morning, and it can take up to 2 days for the certificate for the course to be issued, so we had to do it Thursday evening...only, he had to work late, and pack, and so...it added a ton of stress.  We did get it finished, and we did get the certificate, so that I was able to forward all of our certificates to our social worker...only now the clearances still didn't come in, so the rush to get the course done, wasn't necessary.  Oh well...at least it is finished!!!

Talk about a stressful week though!  We also had a few other personal family things going on to add to the stress, and so by this past weekend, I was wiped out and didn't feel well.  I really hope that this bumpy road starts to smooth out a bit, otherwise I am not sure I will survive this process!  I just keep focusing on the end game...at the end of all this a baby will be placed in my arms, and we will have the child that we have been hoping and waiting for.  It will all be worth it!

Moving On

We finally have our last form that we needed, to start the actual Home Study process.  We were waiting for our doctor to fill out our medical info.  He did it a few weeks ago, and my husband picked it up.  When he got home with it, I realized that the doctor did not fill it out correctly.  So we took the information that he wrote on it, and typed it up.  Hubby then brought it back to the doctor, explaining what needed to be fixed.  I called last week, to see if it was done....nope!  So yesterday I text the doctor to ask when he would have it finished, and he basically said, thanks for the reminder...but I got an email this morning, that he would have it for us today.  I picked it up, and it was finished and it was right!  So now I just have to print off our autobiographies, and financial information.  I have a doctor appointment on Tuesday with a doctor that is near the adoption agency's office.  So I am going to stop by there, to drop off our packet and maybe set up our first meeting with our social worker. 
On a side note, I asked at the doctors office today, about the other tests that we had run a few weeks ago.  I wanted to know when they were expected to be in...well they checked...and they were in.  Don't know when they came back, and why we didn't get a phone call to discuss the results, but the nurse is supposed to call tomorrow.  If she doesn't, I will call on Friday and make an appointment for next week.  I really want to know the results.  The tests were expensive and they will determine for sure whether we attempt IVF again with our eggs/sperm...or if we should move on to other routes.  I have been researching embryo adoption, and feel that would be an awesome choice for us, but we will have to wait and see what the results say.

Way too Long Since My Last Post....So Just Some Updates

Hubby and I are working through the paperwork for our adoption.  It is going well, but not as fast as I would like.  It is a lot of calling, and digging around, to find the artifacts that we need.  Having not been born in the state that we live in, adds to the digging around.  I have been able to get the out of state items that we need.  Now I have to make the time to go in person to pick up some of the things that we need from in the state.

On the fertility front, our request for the blood work that we need has been denied by our insurance company.  It is so frustrating, because they really have no real grounds to deny it, except that they are expensive, and don't want to foot the bill.  So luckily our Doc's office called around to get what the cash price would be.  We have the option at this point to fight the insurance company over this, and still potentially have them deny coverage, and spend a lot of time fighting with them, or we can pay for it ourselves, and have it done this week.  The cash price that we were quoted is a lot less than what they quoted us it would be originally.  So we will probably opt to just get the tests done, and pay for it.  Since it is significantly cheaper than we thought, it really is doable for us at this point.  So later this week I am going to call and set up a time for us to go in and get the testing done.  While there I will find out what we need to do to get our doc to fill out our medical form for our adoption.  I really don't know how people who work do this.  I know that most people can only pursue one route, for both financial and emotional reasons.  But even if we were just adopting, or just still doing fertility treatments, I don't know how people do it and work.  Adoption paperwork could be a full time job.  Fertility treatments are more than a full time job.  I can't imagine working a whole lot more than I am now, and trying to get any of this done!

On my hobby front, I have gotten back on track and all caught up with clipping and organizing my coupons.  I went shopping today with my mom, and was able to get 6 big packs of diapers for $3.49 each.  Crazy cheap price!  For that price, I will start stocking up now, and not have to worry about paying full price for diapers, once we are home with our little one!  I bought big enough sizes, so I know that they will fit at some point...and if not, there are always friends and charities to give them to.  I love coupons!

Such a Weird Place to Be

Before I got married I did everything I could to not get pregnant, not knowing that I was infertile.  For the last 3 years I have been doing everything I could possibly do to try to get pregnant...Lots of ovulation strips, and checking for fertility signs.  So many times of peeing on a stick, only to have one line glare back at me.  The first two years were filled with medications with terrible side effects, and trying naturally.  Nothing worked, and the doc wouldn't listen to me that I thought more tests should be run.  Finally I switch to a great RE last year, and then we start on the IVF path.  We tried 2 fresh IVFs, and then one FET.  Nothing worked.  So we faced the decision of adoption or continuing to try IVF, possibly experimenting with surrogates and donors...I say experiment, because we still don't know for sure if it is my immune system that is the issue, or my crappy eggs are the issue.  Probably both are the problem, but we still have no way of knowing for sure at this point.  So to continue down the IVF path, with no certainty that it will work even with donors and surrogates, we decided that adoption is our best bet.  We have decided that this does not end our infertility journey.  We do want a larger family, if we have our say in it.  So all that being said, we have agreed to not actively try to get pregnant, while we are going through the adoption process.  We are going to run more tests and try to figure out what is the biggest problem, and come up with a plan to hopefully add more children to our family.  And we plan on doing an IVF cycle in the fall, freezing all resulting embryos, so that we can transfer them to either me or a surrogate in the future.  We figure we should get my eggs while there are still eggs there.  If we find that my eggs are the problem, then we will eventually move on to donor eggs, but there is always time to get donor eggs.  There are some restrictions on age when adopting, and well...my eggs will expire at some point...and if they aren't great now, they definitely won't be great if we wait much longer.

So now we are back where we started.  I am monitoring when I ovulate, not to get pregnant, but to try not to.  It isn't that I think at this point that it is possible, and of course a pregnancy at this point would still be a blessing, but I want to adopt.  With the agency and country that we are going with, we cannot get pregnant.  So I am going to try my best to not get pregnant.  I laughed at that a bit when I typed it, because to think that at any point I have to try NOT to get pregnant...yeah right.  Crazy thought!  Anyway...I just thought it odd that after all this time of trying everything possible to get pregnant, we are back to trying not to.

It is hard to switch gears.  I am so used to watching for the signs, and hoping this is the month.  I am so used to watching what I am eating, and not drinking alcohol, or taking medications after ovulation or transfers.  I just realized that I have about a year of not having to worry about any of that.  It isn't that I am going to go overboard or anything, but it is so nice to have a bit of a break, and to just be normal.  Normal...for a whole year....and then I will be a mom, if all goes right.

The First Official Step

Tonight I filled out the application to the adoption agency that we have chosen to work with.  It took a bit longer to get this step completed, than what we anticipated because we hit a few snags this week that we needed to work out.  But now that those hills are climbed, we can mail out the application tomorrow.  We will know within two weeks if we are accepted into the agencies program.  I am so ready to get this show on the road, and I am so excited to work with the agency that we have decided on.  So far my dealings with this agency have been amazing.  They are so helpful, and nice.  I really feel good about our decisions so far.

We also had our follow up visit for our FET this week.  I have to say that our doctor is such a kind and wonderful man.  He heard that we were thinking of adopting, before we went in to see him, and figured that our fertility treatment journey was finished.  He was surprised to hear that we still plan on pursuing fertility treatments.  But either way, he has offered to help in any way that he can.  We talked about why we think IVF hasn't worked for us yet.  We came up with a list of tests that we can run to see if we can get some more answers.  And we came up with a plan of what to try next.  So we will get the tests done as soon as we get confirmation that the insurance company will cover them, and then we are planning on doing a freeze all IVF in October or November.  We will freeze our embryos in batches of about 4, and on day 1.  So they will have a decent chance of surviving the thaw, since at later stages, our embryos just don't look like that will survive.  Then after we are home with our baby through adoption, we will decide when we are ready to start trying FETs.  We decided on this for a few reasons.  First, my eggs aren't getting any younger, so we may as well get them while they are there, and save them for later.  Second, an FET is so much easier on the body, so when I am at home with a baby, it will be easier for me to do and FET than it would be a fresh cycle.  Also we will have our 4 that we already have frozen as a back up, if we ever do thaw a batch of 4 and none survive.  We can then convert to a day 5 transfer instead of a day 3, and not waste all of the prep that we did for that transfer.  Since they are already day 5 embryos, they don't have to sit in culture for days, so they can be thawed after we have realized the first batch didn't make it.  We also figure that by freezing our embryos in the fall, we can still work to figure out why this isn't working, and if it turns out that we need to get a surrogate or donor eggs, or what ever other hoop we have to jump through, we can still have embryos frozen to use at a later date.  I figure we can always do another IVF if we need to at a later date.  We can always get donor eggs if we need them...but my eggs may not be there a year or two from now.  I should get them while they are there, and we can figure out what to do with them later.  Now the trick between now and then....finding a way to pay for it all.

If things stop breaking on the house...we will be able to have some money for both the adoption and the IVF.  In the last year we have had a new roof, new siding on the side of the house, new vents on the side of the house, a new mailbox, a new window, when the contractors fixed the lights in our family room, they stepped through the floor in the attic and had to repaint the ceiling.  We also had to replace the washer and dryer, the garbage disposal, and now we have a new dishwasher coming tomorrow.  My husband's car has also broken down about 6 times in the last year.  And the garage door opener hasn't worked right in months, we just haven't called someone to fix it yet.  Oh and DirecTv has been at our house about 5 times in the last year.  We also had to replace a pipe on our sprinkler system, and had a pretty big repair bill for our air conditioner.  So really we hopefully should have at least a few months where nothing breaks, and we can save a little money for the IVF in the fall.  I keep saying that since we have replaced so much, nothing else should break, but it still doesn't stop!!!  Maybe now, we can have a few months free.  On a good note, with everything that we have done outside to the house, it is looking awesome!  We hired a new lawn service this year, and they offered to grind up our stumps that we have in the back yard.  Our cost for it is a fair trade.  We are giving him the old lawn mower that broke last year, and he will grind up the stumps.  He fixes mowers, so it works out great for us and him.   He also offered to trim our landscaping, for a reasonable price.  So with all of the work he has done and the work that hubby put into the backyard and garden this year, it really looks amazing!

One of Those Wow Moments!

I came to a pretty amazing realization yesterday.  As I posted, we had decided to start the adoption process, and since it was something that we had considered for a long time, we knew which route we were thinking of taking.  So when we found out that our FET had failed, we took the plunge, and started asking the agency that we liked most, the questions that we had.  Today we got the last of the answers that we needed before we could make our formal application to this agency.  So we will be filling that out this weekend, and mailing it off next week.  Since we had been corresponding with this agency all week, it got me thinking about how short this process could be, in comparison to how long we have been trying for a baby.  The adoption program that we are looking at typically takes 12-18 months.  So taking that into consideration, with the age child that we are considering adopting, I came to one of those WOW moments.

Our child, more than likely has been conceived and may have even been born recently.  So since realizing this yesterday, I have really been thinking a lot about this child...who will become our child.  I am thinking about a woman who is carrying a baby, and who is having to make the most difficult decision she will ever have to make.  My heart breaks for her, and for the child that she is carrying.  They will soon or may already be separated, possibly for the rest of their lives.  While undergoing all of our fertility treatments, I have really struggled with my faith, and trust in God.  I was often angry, and didn't understand why God would make us go through this.  I really wanted nothing to do with God.  Since we had made the decision to adopt, I have have a peace come over me.  It made the outcome of our FET not only bearable, but also gave me hope.  And now since the realization that I came to yesterday, that our child already exists, I have a new found faith, and I have been praying harder than I have ever prayed before.  I pray for the first mom of our child, that she have peace with the decision that she has to make, and feels comforted by God, knowing that her child will be loved and cherished.  I know that there is know way that she can know this for sure, but I pray that God helps her know it.  My heart will forever be entwined with this woman, that I will never meet.  I pray for the child that she is carrying or has recently given birth to.  I pray that while this child waits for us, he/she is well taken care of and loved by the caregivers.  I pray that there are hugs and kisses when this child is sad or scared.  I pray for the caregivers, and orphanage, that they have the resources that they need to care for our child, and the other children there.  I pray, and pray, and pray, for a child I have not met, a child I do not know, but a child I already am starting to love.  I worry already, even though we are not even close to the end of this process, the thought that our child could be out there, makes me worry. 

My faith is back in a good place.  I am praying a lot, and trusting God like crazy!  I know that a lot can go wrong still, and we have a long road ahead of us, but I am excited about the journey, and can't wait to meet our child.

FET #1 BFN

Thanks so much to those of you who commented with support.  I wanted to give an update.  Our beta was negative.  I did an HPT that morning, and it was negative, so I was prepared when they called with the bad news.  I am doing okay though.  Hubby and I have decided to start the adoption process.  I think that we have an agency picked out, and I am going to try to have the application completed by the end of next week.  So as disappointing as it is to have our cycle fail, I am excited and happy to be starting the adoption process. 

We've Made it Longer Than We Ever Have Before, and Tomorrow We will Know!

Tomorrow is our Beta.  We have never made it to beta.  I have always started spotting before.  So we are both excited and nervous.  I haven't tested at home, at least not yet.  We may tomorrow before I go for the beta, so at least I don't have to hear the news from the nurse.  I don't think I will get much sleep tonight.  I just want tomorrow over with.  Most people are excited for Beta day, me...not so much.  I mean I want to know if this worked, but we have never gotten an official positive.  So our lack of enthusiasm is because we worry that we never will.  I have had some good signs this time, that I haven't had in the past.  I do worry though that it is all just side effects from the meds.  Tomorrow is 14dp6dt.  Please, Please Please...just let this one be the positive! 

Symptoms So Far for FET #1 at 9dp6dt

Our transfer was 9 days ago.  Starting on the day of transfer and going through 4dp6dt I had very mild cramping.  Then it stopped and I haven't had it since.  On 4dp6dt I also had mild leg pain, that kept me awake.  Starting on 5dp6dt I had some mild breast tenderness.  It has continued, but comes and goes, so it may be a side effect of meds, and comes when I take them.  The last two days 8dp6dt and 9dp6dt, I have been very tired, but my headaches that I had all of last week (day of transfer-6dp6dt,) is gone and hasn't come back yet.  Yesterday (8dp6dt,) I was eating lunch, and right after I felt like I had something stuck on my bottom front tooth.  I couldn't get it off, so I looked in the mirror, and realized that a very small piece of that tooth chipped off, must have been while I was eating.  It isn't visible unless you go looking for it, but I have heard that pregnancy can ruin your teeth.  I haven't been sleeping great, pretty much since 6dp6dt.  I wake up in the middle of the night, and go to the bathroom...that also can be from all the meds though.  I also can't seem to stay awake late, or I need a nap mid day.  I haven't decided if or when we will test before the beta though.  I am going to talk to Hubby about it tonight and see what he thinks.

FET #1

We went in for our first FET today.  Things went as well as we could have hoped.  They thawed two of our embryos, and BOTH survived the thaw....Finally something in all this went right.  They were both graded 3B-B-.  At our Doc 3 means fully expanded blasts.  The picture of them looked great. 

I got there with a very full bladder, only to find out that there was going to be a bit of a wait.  The great doc was running behind.  So they let me use the restroom on the condition that I don't completely empty my bladder.  So I didn't...well then the doc finished up with the other patients really quickly...and now my bladder wasn't full.  So they had me chug water, and wait about 15 minutes.  Once the bladder was full again, they did the transfer.  It went great! 

I had my acupuncture appointment scheduled for this afternoon, so I went to that, and then came home and took a nap.  I have pretty much been laying on the couch since.  All in all it was a really good day.  I am so very happy that we still have 4 frozen embryos, and we didn't lose any today to the thaw.  Now we wait.  Beta is on June 4th!

In a Better Place

I feel better than I did when I posted my last post.  My hubby was gone on a business trip last week, and that combined with the mega doses of hormones, and everything else going on, I was a mess.  Things have settled down a bit.  Hubby and I went away for the weekend, and now I am back and refreshed and looking forward to this transfer.

First off, I have to talk about our weekend.  The company that my hubby works for flew many people that work for the company to Las Vegas for the weekend.  There were big parties, and other events planned for the weekend.  The major highlight of the weekend though was the award ceremony on Saturday.  My hubby won one of the awards.  He works so hard, and I love seeing all he hard work being acknowledged.  It really was the highlight of an amazing weekend.  I also got to see my husbands family while we were in Vegas, because his brother lives there, and his parents drove in for the weekend.  So between the parties, awards, and getting to visit, we really had an awesome time.

We got home Sunday evening, and went to my mom's to see her for mother's day.  My brother was there, and his wife, and step daughter.  Since we were in China for Easter, we hadn't seen my sister in law or niece in quite a while.  So it was so nice to finally get to see them, and have a nice mother's day with my mom.

This morning, I had my last monitoring appointment for our FET.  I finally got excited about the transfer.  The ultrasound went well.  My lining was at an 8.4.  I got my instructions on what other meds to take when.  Heparin starts tomorrow, Crinone on Wednesday, and our transfer will be next Monday!  After the ultrasound was over, I signed the paperwork, and they brought me in the back to do my first ever intralipids treatment.  I am really so excited about this.  I have read the research on it, and it seems to have excellent results.  The treatment went well.  I didn't have any side effects, and my mom went with me to keep me company.  It was fairly quick and easy and I felt fine after.

I have become my doctor's guinea pig.  I don't mind at all either.  My wonderful doc has never used intralipids with a patient before.  He has researched it, but never has had an instance where he thought it would help.  With me, he figured that it can't hurt, so it is worth a try.  He was just as excited as I am.  He and I both are hoping that this works. He would love to have it as an option to use in the future, and would love to see it help more of his patients.  The great doc even did the treatment himself!  He didn't just toss me over to the nurses, and hope they did it, he put the IV in and administered everything himself.  I am sure in the future, if he decides to continue using intralipids, he will train the office staff on how to do it, but for right now, he is doing it himself.

We really do have an awesome doc.  He knows his stuff, and if there is something that you ask him about, and he doesn't know it, he will research it, and let you know his opinion about it.  He had been thinking about intralipids before I brought it up, after our last failed IVF, and he was excited to have a patient who wanted to try it.  I would love for this to work for both us and him.  I would feel like we are helping to advance his practice, and help future patients with similar issues.

Now all we have to do is hope and pray that our embryos survive the thaw.  We have 6, so I am pretty hopeful!  My bigger prayer though is that the first two they thaw survive.  If they do, we transfer 2...if only one makes it, they will thaw two more, and then transfer whatever makes it.  So we may transfer up to 3.  I am confident that we could handle triplets if that is what we ended up with, but I would prefer not to go that route, mostly because I would worry about the health of the babies.  So I am really hoping for our first two to make it.  Lots of prayers between now and next Monday!

My Heart is Just not in it

It has been a rough two weeks for me.  We got back from China, and I had to deal with lots of stuff at home.  Added on top of that, they found the cyst, and I had it drained, which ate into the time to do other things that were needing attention.

Every year, I plant a garden.  I love it, and I love the fresh home grown veggies I get from it.  This year Hubby and I decided to expand the garden and he built a wonderful wall for it, and I got all of the plants planted this week.  I have also been trying to get my flowers planted under the trees.  I love petunias and we have two big trees in the front that they look great under.  Only last year, weeds grew amid the beautiful flowers.  So this year, I bought landscaping stones to put around the trees, and weed preventing stuff to put there, and mulch on top, so no weeds can grow in the flowers.  I even won some beautiful flowers from all my sweepstaking.  I love planting things and seeing them grow.  This year, I have had a hard time finding the time.  Several things around the house were needing repair and I finally got around to calling a plumber, a new lawn mowing service, our satellite company, and the irrigation company, all to come fix various problems.  I still need to find a company to come fix our garage door.  Our kitchen sink finally doesn't leak, and it was cheaper to fix than I thought it would be.  The new lawn mowing service is great, but after seeing our yard, decided to charge $10 more than the original quote.  Our sprinkler system is back up and running, and it also was cheaper than I thought it would be.  Our TV service though...not so great.  Since we came back from China, our service would cut out on our living room TV.  It was sporadic, but progressively got worse.  I finally called about it, and they sent a technician out.  The guy gave me the creeps, and smelled worse than any smell I have ever smelled before.  I lit a candle and sanitized everything he touched, after he left.  I am not a germophobe, he was just that bad.  He took forever to "fix," the problem, and it seemed like it was fixed when he left.  It is not though.  The receiver is not recognizing the remote.  So they have to come back out and replace the receiver again.  Only they were supposed to call today, and they didn't.  So now I have to call tomorrow, before my doctor appointment.  I am so frustrated by all of this.  Normally I would just deal with it, it would be a hassle, but I would deal...but with being on meds to do a FET, I have NO patience!  I have had several melt downs, as a result of the side effects of the meds.  I feel like crap!

Hubby and I had a talk about what to do on the fertility front, when I was told about the cyst.  I really just wanted to put off a transfer, and give my sanity and my body a break from it all.  Hubby really wanted to do a transfer in May if it was still possible.  At the time it was still up in the air.  I begrudgingly agreed to do the transfer, if it was still a possibility.  So I had the cyst drained, and I went to the doctor appointments, and I have started the meds.  Notice the "I's,"  not "We's."  Hubby has been busy with work and has been unable to go to any of the doctor appointments.  He drove me home the day I had the cyst drained, but other than that, I have been on my own.  I have been dealing with all the house repairs, and I had to get the rest of my work days in before the end of the school year, and trying to get my gardening in...and now dealing with very unexpected side effects to the medications....I just am out of steam.  My heart isn't in to this transfer.  I really just want to not show up for my appointment tomorrow.  I want to stop taking the meds that are making me feel so terrible.  I don't want to have to devote my next 3 weeks to fertility crap.  I want to live my life.  I want to enjoy the spring.  I want to enjoy planting my garden and being out in the beautiful weather.  But with these side effects, I can't enjoy anything.  It just sucks!  I am so tired of my life having to revolve around TTC.  Hubby often tells me that I shouldn't let my life revolve around it.  But that is impossible.  I have quit a job I love, to do this.  I have given up trips, and friends, and so much more, to do this.  It will all be worth it, if this works, but it really doesn't seem like it is going to.  I was ready to start the adoption process years ago.  I have always wanted to adopt, so who cares if we have biological kids first.  I just don't feel like all of the doctor appointments, and injections, and blood work, and medications with crappy side effects, and adding in new treatments.  I would be so excited to try these treatments, if it was a few months from now, after I have had a break, but now, I just don't want to deal with all this.  All that being said, I will go in tomorrow for my doctor appointment.  I will go in for my first ever intralipid treatment, next week.  I will pray my heart out that our embryos survive the thaw.  I will call the acupuncturist tomorrow to make my next appointment.  And I will go in for my transfer.  I will pray my heart out that the changes that we are making this time, will do the trick.  I do think that regardless of the outcome, it is time to start picking out an adoption agency.  We have a few in mind.  We have many of the major decisions made.  Hubby is open to adoption, and we have talked a lot about international or domestic, and choices of agencies.  He and I will need to decide on which route is right for us.  But it is time.  I need a break from infertility, at least for a few months.  During that break, I can focus on starting the process of finding the child that God has intended us to adopt.  I felt the call to adopt, long before I ever met my hubby.  We talked about it while we were dating, and felt that it would be something that we would do at some point.  I do think that we are now at that point.

Time for a Long Overdue Blog Post

A lot has happened in the last month, since my last post.  Hubby and I left for China on April 3rd.  I had blog access, but it was sporadic.  I intended on writing several posts while I was there, but we were so busy, that I just didn't have a chance.  China was amazing.  I would go back again in a heartbeat.  We flew into Hong Kong, and took various public transportation to get to Shenzhen.  We stayed at a western style hotel, that was really nice, and many of the workers spoke at least a little English.  They were very helpful and nice.  In fact most people that I came across or met were as nice and helpful as could be.  They didn't balk that I didn't speak their language (which leads to another post that I will hopefully get around to writing.)  I got to experience so much of the culture while I was there.  I also got to experience so many different styles of Chinese meals.  My stomach did bother me from some of the food, but adding to that was the fact that I had a huge cyst on my left ovary.  I didn't know about the cyst until I got home, and went to the doctor though.

We didn't go too much beyond Shenzhen, except to go into Hong Kong for a day.  Hubby and I almost got stranded in Hong Kong that night though.  We had to find another port of entry than the one that we entered through, because it was closed by the time we were going back to Shenzhen.  While in Hong Kong we went to Lamma Island, and had some awesome seafood.  I ended up getting pretty sick soon after, but I do not think that it was the seafood, since one of the guys in our travel group did not go for the seafood and he also got sick.  So since I was sick, hubby and I sat in the ferry terminal for awhile, while the rest of the group explored the rest of Hong Kong.  While in Shenzhen, I was mostly on my own since hubby had to work most of the time.  There was enough to do within walking distance of the hotel to keep me pretty busy though.  There were theme and amusement parks.  I also ventured a few blocks to the Walmart, just to see how different it would be.  It was very different than Walmart here.  I also went to a shopping area several times, by subway.  In the evenings I would take a cab to meet up with Hubby, and go to dinner.  There are so many details of the trip that I am just glazing over here.  It would take me hours to write about all of the amazing experiences that I was able to have.  I do hope that I get to go to China again.  I loved the people, the culture, and all of the experiences.

While in China, I was expecting AF to show.  It was supposed to start early on in the trip, and I was very surprised that it was a no show.  I knew that having done IVF in February may mess with my cycle, but after November IVF I was only a week late.  By the time I came home from China and made a doctor appointment, I was 3 weeks late.  I took a home test, and it was negative.  When I went in for the ultrasound, it looked like I may be pregnant, so the doctor ran a test, but they also saw a large cyst.  I was told that he would call that evening (which he did and the test was negative,) and to wait a week, and if AF still didn't show, they would drain the cyst.  I asked what went into that, and was told that it was just like an egg retrieval, but without anesthesia, which then caused me to have anxiety all week.  I went back in on Monday, and they did an ultrasound...cyst still there, so they had me go into the procedure room, and prepped me to drain it.  I have a nice doctor who offered to inject lidocaine to numb me up, before draining it.  After numbing me, I still felt it, but it didn't hurt.  It was pretty uncomfortable, but not as bad as I thought that it was going to be.  I asked if all of this knocked us out of being able to do a FET in May.  They said it would depend on when AF finally showed.  She finally came today.  I called, and found out that we can proceed with our FET.  They are going to call tomorrow to let me know more of the details, and what meds to start when.

I am still so excited that I was able to go to China and experience all that I did, and I am soooooo excited that we can move forward with our FET.  Despite the cyst overall I have had a pretty amazing month!

Possible Controversial Topic!

I titled this post as potentially controversial, because if any of my devout Catholic friends stumble across it, they may disagree and argue with me.

I am getting really tired of many of my friends posting on facebook about the political controversy over birth control.  I understand that many of them are just following what they believe, and what the church teaches.  Before I started fertility treatments and even through my early treatments, I was against myself taking the pill.  It wasn't because I was against the pill all together.  I just have other medical problems that make me feel like crap when I take the pill.  So the pill was never a long term option for birth control for me (not that I need it at this point.)  I understand and agree with the Catholic church throwing a fit over the idea that they would have to start handing out birth control.  I think that is just as wrong as asking the Catholic church to marry a gay couple.  Don't start yelling at me yet.  I am not anti-gay...quite to the contrary.  I am very pro gay equality/rights.  I would love to see gay marriage legalized in all states.  I just think that it is wrong for the government to force a religious group to blatantly go against what it teaches.  There are plenty of other churches and courthouses that will marry a gay couple.  That being said, I think that it was wrong to try to force the Catholic church to hand out birth control...I do not however think that it is wrong to require the health insurance that the church provides for it's employees, to cover birth control pills.  It is an individual decision for each person.  There are other reasons though why I fully support this requirement.  Birth control pills are pretty much just a bunch of hormones.  Women take hormone pills throughout life for various reasons.  They are not only used as a contraception.  They also are used during fertility treatments to regulate a woman's cycle, or to get rid of a cyst on an ovary. 

There are many other benefits of using BCPs, including being used as a treatment for endometriosis.  It is one of only a few noninvasive treatments that have been shown to help endo.  This being Endometriosis awareness month and being that I have endo, makes me feel like I need to speak up about this.  Medical care is so expensive, and medications sometimes can break the bank.  I am blessed enough that my endo has not caused severe pain all the time.  I can't imagine living a life of constant pain and not being able to afford the BCP's that would potentially lessen my pain.  What my many Catholic friends don't realize is that BCPs are not just a contraception, they can also be used as a medical treatment. 

I know what my friends would say to me to argue, but those same friends would never understand why I have turned to IVF to have a baby.  I am pretty open about my infertility, but there are some friends that I just don't talk about it with.  I know how cruel they would be.  I know that they wouldn't mean to be cruel.  They really are only looking out for my soul.  They are really kind hearted people, they are just so strict in their beliefs that they would try to get me to see the "error of my ways."  Plus it goes along with all the other insensitive comments that people make to infertiles.  They just don't get it, unless they have to walk in your shoes. 

China and a Few Other Bits

Tickets are finally booked for us to go to China.  I resisted letting myself get too excited until this point, since last time things fell through.  Now the tickets are booked and I am thrilled!  Hubby will be working a lot while we are there, but there is so much to do within walking distance of the hotel.  I had been debating on whether I should bring my expensive but bulky camera, or just go with my point and shoot.  I decided that even though it is bulky, my nicer camera will be worth having while I am there.  I am hoping to come back with some really awesome pictures! 

On another note, we went for the follow up doctor visit last Friday.  The doc said that he would write a letter of necessity for the insurance company, so it can get preapproved. So once it all is approved we will do the testing.  That may take awhile...you know how insurance companies can be!  So I asked if this would affect our transfer in May, and they said that we can go ahead with the transfer.  We are still going to add a few different meds this time, even without knowing what the results are.  The meds can hurt, they add a little to the cost, but I am pretty sure what the results will be to the tests that we are having run.  I have Hashimotos, and endometriosis.  Both of those drastically increase my chances of having elevated NK cells.  I have been on prednisone, and lovenox, but did not try intralipids.  So this time we are going to add it.  We also may switch to dexamethasone instead of the prednisone.  We are also transferring blasts this time, and it is our first FET.  So I won't be recovering from a retrieval.  I am really hoping that these few switches make the difference that we need!  The other tests that the Doc wants to run really won't make a difference with our transfer in May...it will make more of a difference in how we proceed when we decide to do another fresh cycle.  Hubby and I want a big family (if that is even still possible at this point.)  So more than likely another fresh cycle is in our future even if this transfer works!

On the sweepstakes front I have had some pretty cool winnings lately.  I have won a box of oranges, a cold and flu care package, $100, two cook books, some petunias, and a year supply of cat food.  We don't have cats.  Luckily my brother and his wife have two.  So they are benefiting from my win.  My bunnies on the other hand are not.  We will just have to keep buying there food.  My next win will hopefully be the mega millions jackpot tomorrow night!

Time Will Fly!

Two months from tomorrow is our target date for our next transfer.  It seems like two months is so far away, like it will take forever to get here.  We could have done our transfer in April instead, and we would then be getting all our ducks in a row now. 

We decided on May for a few reasons.  First, we will have pretty much paid off our last cycle by that point, allowing us to afford the next transfer.  Plus, we have a lot of other stuff going on.  Hubby was asked to go to China for work again.  Last time he went was right after my laparoscopic surgery in September, so I couldn't go with him.  I love to travel and one place that I have always wanted to go was China.  They then asked him to go in January, and I was supposed to go with him, but the trip fell through.  Work then asked him to go in February, but he couldn't travel then because we were engulfed in our second IVF.  He wanted to put off the IVF at that point so we could travel to China, not because work was pressuring him, but because he really wants me to be able to go.  I nixed that idea.  I didn't want to put off the IVF.  I was already on meds for it by the time the January trip was cancelled, and I didn't like the idea of having to revamp our plans, and possibly having to be on meds (that made me feel like sh**,) for a longer period of time.  I was really disappointed when the trip got cancelled, because if the IVF worked in February, it meant that I may never get to China.  I was okay with that, after weighing the options.  Since it didn't work, and they have asked hubby to go again, I will be going to China.  I am so incredibly excited.  We leave soon, and I know that the time will fly while we are there.  I will probably have to start some of the meds for our next transfer while we are there, and more meds soon after we get back.  I always feel like once we start the meds in prep, time really does fly.  It always feel good to be doing something.  When we are just waiting between cycles, it is hard. 

I also have to get a few more days in for work between now and my next transfer.  I have to work 4 more days this school year, to stay active in the system.  I have some time open next week, so I would like to get at least 2 of the days out of the way.  That way when we come back from China, I will only have 2 days left that I have to do. 

We are also looking at buying a new car when we come back from China.  Ideally we would not be buying a car right now, but since our newest car is 8 years old, and our oldest one is 15 years old...we figured that it was time to buy.  Hubby's car broke down again a few weeks ago, finally convincing him, that we did need to get one.  He is a bit tired of being stranded on the side of the road, or worrying while he is driving that he isn't going to make it home.  We already have picked out the car that we want.  It just doesn't make sense to buy before China. 

I am so excited about everything that we have going on right now.  So much to keep me busy and to look forward to.  May will be here before we know it.  I am really hopeful that the new meds we are adding in May will do the trick.  We still haven't made a decision about the tests that the Dr. said we could/should have done.  Insurance said that they would cover it, if it is proven to be medically necessary.  We are thinking about getting it preapproved, so that we don't have to worry about them saying yes now...only to turn around later and deny it.  We may also only get some of the testing done now, and wait on others.  We will make up our minds on Friday when we go for the follow up appt from my hysteroscopy and D&C that I had last week. (Dr likes to do this before doing a transfer, because it is supposed to increase chances of implantation.)  So much going on, and so much to keep us busy...May will really be here before we know it!