From Hopeful to Not So Much

We went in on Tuesday for our transfer...and our embryos looked basically the same as last time.  So they transferred an 8B and a 7B+, and told us that we would have to wait till Friday to see how the rest do.  I was really hopeful at that point because out of 10 last time, we ended up with 4 to freeze.  I was figuring that we would end up with at least that many this time, since we had 14 sitting in the lab.  Not so much.  I got the call this morning that we only got 2 to freeze.  I know I should be rejoicing that we got 2.  I am so happy we have those two...incredibly blessed, because we now have 6, but at the same time, I am sick.  I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me.  Out of 14....we got 2.  I had a good cry over those 12 that we lost...the ones that really never had a chance, my nonviable embryos.  And now I pray.  I pray for the now 21 embryos that we have lost in this process, I pray for the 6 we have frozen...my little snowflakes, and I pray most of all at this point for the two beautiful embryos that we had transferred a few days ago.  I don't know their fate yet, and I can only be cautiously hopeful that this whole process works this time....That one or both of those beauties survives and thrives.  I am trying my hardest to stay positive, to still have hope, but it is so hard when time after time, we end up with the same outcome.  I need a break, and a glass of wine!  No....I am not going to have one, that would be crazy!  However, if in a week and a half we find out this didn't take, I am going to have both of those!  I have decided that I need a break from the world of infertility, to just enjoy life again.  I can relax and travel a bit, knowing that I have 6 snowflakes waiting, for when we are ready to try again.  As for the wine, you bet during that break, there will be plenty of it! 

IVF #2 So Far

We finished up our injections last Thursday, and did our trigger shot that evening, for a Saturday morning retrieval.  We left the retrieval knowing that we got 36 eggs...14 more than last time.  The Doctor said to expect that many of them may not be mature, just because there were so many.  We got the call this morning that 28 were mature, and of that 28, 16 of them fertilized!!!  So all in all, so far it seems to be going better than last time.  we had 22 total last time, of which 16 were mature and 13 fertilized.  Now I am on pins and needles until Tuesday, when we find out how they all look.  Last time they pretty much all had some major fragmentation going on...So this time I am really hoping that with the changes that we made, we may have some better looking embryos. 

IVF is Tough on So Many Levels!

Today all over Facebook, there have been links to articles about what Newt Gingrich will do about IVF, if he gets elected as president.  He wants more monitoring, and wants to make it illegal to use "leftover" frozen embryos for research.  I have mixed feelings about this.  It saddens me to think about all of the embryos left in limbo....with possibly no chance of ever being born.  And I understand that this is why so many churches have a problem with IVF. 
It is difficult to think about what we will do if we ever get to that point, where we have the number of children that we feel completes our family, yet we still have embryos.  We are nowhere near that point, and are dealing with the uncertainty that we will ever even have children.  It is something that I think about though.  With four frozen snowflakes from November's cycle I already care about them.  I worry that something might happen to them...power outages, etc.  I also worry though with doing a fresh cycle this time, we could end up with more embryos than we can ever use ourselves. 
Embryo adoption is such a great option for this situation, but I know in my heart that I couldn't donate my embabies to another couple.  I already feel like my four snowflakes are my kids, and I would feel like I was giving away a piece of myself.  I am amazed at the generosity of the couples that do choose this option.  And maybe when I get to that point, where I really don't want a bigger family, maybe I will feel like giving them life in another family is better than staying frozen forever, or being donated to science...or worse yet, just being discarded.
That is the great thing about the freedoms that we have in America though.  We currently have these choices.  I have always been prolife.  I feel that life begins at conception.  I do sometimes struggle with this as we do IVF.  I could never choose to donate our embabies to science, and I don't agree with embryonic stem cell research.  However, as I hear politicians starting to say that they are going to regulate IVF more, it scares me.  With pushes for legislation deciding that life begins with conception, opens doors to making it illegal to freeze embryos at all.  And then what happens to the ones already frozen?!?!  But then that also opens the door to more embryos being destroyed, before they are ever even given a chance.  Doctors will face the decision then of destroying viable embryos, valuable lives, or transfer too many.  This legislation plain out scares me! 
As I said, I am prolife.  I see value and life in my four frozen babies.  I plan on giving them their best chance at life, God willing.  I also plan to give our embryos from this cycle their best chance at life too.  And I pray that we don't end up with more kids than we can handle because of this plan.  I don't envy the people who have more embryos than they can handle, and I know they face a difficult decision every time they pay the storage bill for their snowflakes.  It is troublesome that there are so many lives left in a bit of limbo, however what to do with them is not my decision, and should not be the decision of a politician. 
As crazy as this sounds I don't feel that this makes me prochoice.  I do not agree with abortion.  I also do not agree with donating embryos to science.  They are lives, that deserve the chance to survive.  Is there a right answer in all of this, I am not sure.  There are a lot of embryos that never get a chance at life, with the way things are currently.  I think that this will stay that way until legislation makes laws against the creation of these embryos, or doctors find a way to not create more than can be used in one cycle.  No matter what, the world of IVF is a scary place.   If you haven't had to make these tough choices about fertility and growing your family, you are in no place to judge someone's choices.  Leave all that to God!  This all is my opinion, that I am free to have on my blog.  You don't have to agree with it.  That is why it is great that we live in America...we are free to have our own opinion!

The Eve of Round Two

I didn't have this blog when we did our first round of in vitro.  It was after it failed that I decided that I wanted to document this journey.  Our first round was in November, and at first seemed like a great success, a near perfect cycle, with only a few glitches.  It started with my period coming a week early, so we had to switch to a ganirelix protocol instead of long lupron, but besides that all seemed to go great.  Follicles grew, and lots of them.  On the day of retrieval we got 22!  The next day the embryologist called, 16 were mature, and 13 fertilized.  We were ecstatic!  Then we went in for the transfer...12 made it to day 3, but none looked great.  The best ones that we had were 8cell grade B.  They looked beautiful to me, but we were told that B- or worse would not survive the freeze.  So we took the two B's that we had and transferred them, and waited a few more days to see what would survive and make it to Blasts.  Three more died off before day 5.  Of the 7 that were left, 3 were failing quickly, and 4 looked like they had the chance to survive freezing.  So we got to freeze 4.  What a roller coaster!  I have high hopes for those 4, especially since retrieval (conception day,) was on the 8th anniversary of my dad passing away.  The two that we transferred didn't make it, so now we are on to round two!
We have decided to do another fresh cycle, because quite frankly...my eggs aren't getting any younger.  With only having 4 frozen, we would have a slim chance of building the size family we want, from them.  So we figured we would do a fresh cycle, hopefully get pregnant, and have more to freeze.  Maybe this will be our last fresh cycle!
We went in for our FDA's today, and I start my Lupron tomorrow.  So far we haven't had any major glitches...except of course my crazy allergies.  Dr wants me to be on heparin and endometrin this time....I looked up the ingredients, and I can't.  I am allergic to some of the ingredients.  So now I am switched back to crinone, and I will try lovenox instead.
So on this eve of round two, I am both excited to get it started, but I am also dreading any bumps that may come up.  I am hopeful, but not quite the same hope I had last time.

Hypothyroidism....Go Figure!

I have been thin my whole life.  When I say thin, I mean underweight.  I have had trouble keeping on weight, and have had to watch what I eat, to make sure I get enough calories.  If I didn't, I would lose weight. 

Several years ago I mentioned to a doctor that I thought I had a thyroid problem.  It runs in my family, and I was having symptoms.  They ran a test and told me that I did not have anything wrong with my thyroid.  I trusted what they said, and didn't think much more about it for a while.  Then the symptoms got worse...and years past.  I mentioned it to another doctor...and again, they said that my test came back normal.  I started researching it, and found that there is a lot more that goes into a thyroid diagnosis, than the test that most doctors use.  And it turns out, my doctors were only running one test, my TSH.

Turns out your TSH can be in the normal range and you still have a problem.  I have thyroid antibodies, and would not have known it, if I didn't push for the test.  I tried to get one doctor to test for antibodies, but when my  TSH was in the normal range, he dismissed my concerns.  So after years of telling doctors that there was a problem, and years of researching on the internet, based on my symptoms alone, I diagnosed myself with Hashimoto's.  Not much I could do for myself, except continue to push doctors for a diagnosis, and treatment....and hope that maybe my TSH would show up abnormal on a test. 

Finally that happened.  I started going to a new doctor.  He tested my TSH and it was borderline, but enough to make him question what was going on.  He then ran an antibody test....and it came back positive!  Yay!  I know most people wouldn't cheer at a medical test coming back abnormal, but when you have been living with symptoms for years, it is pure relief.

Next step....see a thyroid specialist.  Specialists are supposed to know what they are doing in their field....right?  Anyway, at my first appointment with the specialist, I mentioned to her that I thought that I had Hashimoto's, and yet again, I was dismissed.  She said if anything I would have Graves disease, since I was so thin.  I mentioned to her that Graves may seem like the obvious one, but I don't have the symptoms of Graves, I have the symptoms of Hashimoto's.  We discussed my symptoms, and although I had more Hashi symptoms than I did Graves, she still insisted that it was graves!  She tells me that she just wants to monitor me for a few months.

A few months pass, and I go in to see her again.  TSH is high this time, but she neglects to tell me this.  She tells me that I am still borderline, and she wants to monitor it for another eight weeks.  She also officially diagnoses me with Graves.  Eight weeks later, I am tested again.  TSH is still high, and she tells me that it is similar to the last time.  I flip!!!  What do you mean it was over 5 last time!!!!!!  Finally she diagnoses me with Hashimoto's!  Huh!?!?  Isn't that what I said months ago...didn't I tell you that it wasn't Graves?!?!  Oh and by the way, I have mentioned at every visit that we are trying to get pregnant, and we are doing fertility treatments....and you didn't even tell me my TSH was over 5?!?!?

Needless to say, I am more than frustrated with this "specialist."  She misdiagnosed me, she tried to convince me I was wrong, and that she knew my body better than I did.  Yes I am thin...doesn't mean that I have the thyroid disorder that makes me thin!  So what if it is rare to be underweight and have Hashi's!  Oh...and did you know that you Dr Specialist, are probably the reason that my fertility treatments in November failed....thanks for wasting thousands of dollars of our money, and basically killing some of our embryos!

Finally I am being treated for the Hashimoto's that I have known for years that I had.  But I do think that it is time to find a new specialist!!!

No Such Thing as..."Just Adopt"

If I had a dollar for every time someone told an infertile person, they should "Just Adopt," I could afford to not only do all the fertility treatments I could want, but I could also....Just adopt!

The approximate cost of a round of IVF at the fertility clinic we go to is around $13,000 (including medication.)
The approximate cost of an international adoption including travel, can range from $20,000 to about $60,000.
The cost of domestic newborn adoption starts around $5,000 to about $40,000.
You do the math...how many IVFs can be done for the cost of one adoption?

There is one type of adoption that you can do for very little cost...foster to adopt, or through the state adoption.  In our state, they aren't even accepting people for the waiting list for children under 10 in the foster to adopt program. 

I used to think that adoption was the solution to our infertility.  Fill out some paperwork, meet with some social workers, pay some money, wait a little while (less time than we have been waiting with infertility,) and then we would get a baby.  The tides of adoption have changed in the last 5-10 years though.  Yes, there are still many orphans in the world.  But what many people don't realize is that many orphans are not eligible for adoption.  Countries have closed their international adoption programs, or have quotas while trying to promote domestic adoption.  Wait times have skyrocketed for international adoption.  Families wanting to adopt from China who sign up now, can expect to wait 10 years.  The world of international adoption was never easy, but if you stuck with it, you could be pretty sure you would have a child by the end of the process.

As for domestic adoption, there really are no guarantees.  In many situations, the birth mother chooses who adopts her child.  Potential adoptive parents make a profile, and hope that a mother picks them quickly.  Sometimes that happens, and sometimes.....the wait goes on forever.  Another issue is that the birth mother can change her mind up until parental rights have been terminated.  The law varies by state when this actually occurs.  So there are many times where a birth mother chooses to parent, leaving the potential adoptive parents heartbroken! 

I know I have over simplified the adoption process here.  I am not trying to down play the process, but I wanted to bring up how unpredictable it has become, and how expensive it really can be, making it a sometimes tough decision to start the process.

"Just Adopt," is not an easy thing to do!  When looking at the cost and the fact that there are no guarantees, it is more enticing for some to continue fertility treatments. 

Yes, there are also no guarantees with fertility treatments, but statistics show that about 85% of couples who do IVF get pregnant within three tries.  I now understand the draw of continuing to try for a child through fertility treatments.  I also can understand how much of a strain infertility can be and why some couples decide to give up on the dream of a child or make other difficult decisions like moving on to donors, or adoption. 

So the next time you have the urge to tell someone to "Just Adopt," remember, you are not in their shoes, and you are not having to make the decisions that they are.  What is the right decision for one family, is not the right one for another. 

Gold's Gym

Gold's Gym is an unethical company.  I highly discourage anyone from signing up to be a customer with them.  They lose paperwork, and blame customers for their mistakes.  Please anyone considering joining, do your research before signing up with them.  Don't end up in the same boat I am, they are trying to ruin my credit, even though I closed my membership six months ago.  Please be careful when dealing with them!